"My Space, My Body!"

"My space, my body!" I heard from my daughter this morning as she stood up for herself against her brother's jumping onto her. I had just taught her about that the other day, that she can stand up for herself, her own body. I realize I was not only teaching her how to defend herself, empowering her, but also how to take responsibility for herself and her body. I was never taught that, so I took responsibility for everyone else's assaults on me and lived as a victim, blaming everyone else. Now that I can stand up for myself and defend my rights, my thoughts, my emotions, my spirituality, now that I can call someone else's speech abusive, I am finally taking responsibility for myself instead of blaming everybody else by accepting responsibility for their actions. Following are arguments I've had thrown at me this morning by an abuser who has custody of one of my children. I post them here so they can be of use to someone else who might be intellectually and emotionally intimidated in similar fashion. I will add to it as anything comes up.

Emotional influence does not make the providing of emotional guidance healthy: my father was a child molester and provided for us emotionally. Yet what he provided was definitely not healthy.
Financial support of a child does not necessarily indicate exceptional responsibility or fitness as a parent. I had a house to live in, clothes to wear, and fod to eat as a child, even had horses, snowmobiles, four-wheelers, etc, yet my parents were unfit.

"You always blame everyone else". No, when I was avoiding confrontation, I was being a victim which is in essence blaming everyone else for my inactivity. Standing up for myself and pointing the finger in the RIGHT direction is taking responsibility for my own situation. Not pointing the finger in the right direction is taking responsibility from everyone else, which is irresponsible. I had no right taking their responsibility away by taking it upon myself.

Living in the same house and working the same job for 50 years does not make a person "stable". Consistence in emotional maturity is what makes an environment stable. Persistence in pursuing mental health and well-being is consistency and stability. Each change provides an increasingly stable environment for a child.

"Everyone who knows you....." yeah, and "everyone" who knew Hitler had good things to say about him. Public opinion really does not prove anyone's character.

PTSD may have affected my "fitness" as a parent, but it did not make me any LESS fit than the men who were abusing me and ARE abusing my daughters.


Speaking of my daughter: "She will see right through you!". "I hope she does, then she will see in me a mother who truly loves her."

"Do not yell at me." or "Do not raise your voice to me". to which I reply: "I am not yelling, I am speaking clearly and assertively" They just aren't used to hearing it from a woman.

Accusation: "Everywhere you went, you left a path of destruction behind".
Reply: No, I didn't. I left more than I ever took. The accountant was a renter, employed, and pushed around by a trainer. When I left, he had a house, became self-employed, and had his own barn, did his own training.
The unemployed JW adherent went from trailer-trash nobody to popular with the ladies, remarried, had a job with benefits.
They have absolutely beautiful children by me.
Any broken hearts can be laid upon their doorstep, if they had been good to me, I would never have had to leave.
The path of destruction is only now going to begin. But "destroying" or taking power from abusers is a GOOD thing.


Accusation: It was you who made poor choices in choosing these men.
Response: I am no more flawed in my decision making than those who recommended them to me nor those who would presently stand in their defense.

priceless: the look on my daughter's face when she tried poking at and provoking her brother and I told her "Your brother's space, his body, you will respect it".
My son won't be anyone's victim either
In empowering him, I also decrease the chances he will ever become an abuser.

Threat from ex: She is old enough that the court is going to go with her opinion and she wants nothing to do with you.
My response: No, she is old enough that the court will take her feelings into consideration, but will decide what is best for her regardless.

Another accusation from the ex: We have spent the last 10 years in fear of you coming back and kidnapping her or something. I might rejoice at them having also experienced a bit of discomfort over the past years, however it is nothing to rejoice over when one realizes that this means for the past ten years my daughters have been indoctrinated with my return being a worst nightmare. No wonder they don't want anything to do with me, if their fathers speak honestly, their fathers instilled in them a very deep fear of me. Now THAT is evil.

  I had another response to the multiple attempts to degrade me with their stating that at least they are working to support their family. Working is easy. You follow a set of directions and get to it. I was relieved this summer every time I could stack wood or mow a lawn to earn money to take care of my children. Not only did it provide a means to do that, but it gives a person a sense of accomplishment and self worth. Physical labor gets energy moving, makes the heart and soul feel liberated, cleaned out. It is invigorating. Interacting with other adults can be refreshing after spending most of one's time with children. You know what ISN'T easy? Doing the inner work it takes to become a mature, healthy, happy person who can be a real asset to their children and their community. It is a grueling daily confrontation of one's own fears, faults, and thinking processes. I am sacrificing my own self-fulfillment a job could bring in exchange for attending to what needs attending to for the health and well-being of my children. There aren't even those living lives of luxury wiling to make that journey, yet I am doing it in circumstances that require I wash our clothes daily by hand in a bucket. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is.

And the ex's lie, an opportunity to "push his weight around": "I have no phone number or physical address on you. "
I included my new number in a letter I sent, but let's just humor him an apologize if I was mistaken in believing that. As for my physical address, I know for a fact he's had it for a year and half now. Not only was my mailing address in California also my residential one, but my own oldest daughter informed me she would be telling my exes I was coming and what I would be doing when I got here "because they have a right to know". From comments he made on the phone, I know they have all been in contact with one another discussing me, my every move. You don't let your worst nightmare move into town and NOT keep up with what they're doing. As if when I decided to come back, I didn't already realize the whole conspiring mob would reconnect. "The enemy of my enemy is my best friend" goes the saying. No matter what has divided them over the past ten years, I have no doubt they have "gotten over it" real quick once I stepped up and out.
But I humored him and carefully stated the physical address anyways.

What proof do I have that I have been abused? The very track record they condemn me for. No one "in their right mind" would have lived the life I lived. No one who had grown up in a healthy environment would have made the choices I have made.

I could see if I had been one of those parents who showed up once a year or every couple of years stirring up trouble, as they say, making empty promises and then wandering off again why someone might question my intentions or my ability to provide a healthy, stable environment for my children. However, I am not. I am a parent who knew her own limitations and dragged no one on a roller-coaster ride of emotionally instability while I did what I needed to get what I needed to become the parent I always wanted to be. I did not come in all aggressive, "guns blazing", wreaking havoc on anyone's life. No, I came back as quietly and patiently as possible out of respect for the discomfort I knew people would have at my presence. I quietly, respectfully and patiently sent cards and letters, not being intrusive, simply observing and allowing others their time and space, freedom of expression. I questioned myself, examined my own intentions, and waited until I was sure I had it in me to do what is needed to be what my children need. Only then did I begin to take more assertive action. This proves I am responsible and willing to sacrifice my own desires in the best interests of my children and because I can tell you, every day for the past ten years I have wanted nothing more than to kick some butt and hold my children again. I have demonstrated self control, respect for authority, and a willingness to be guided/cooperative/reasonable/open to conversation, working toward agreement. I did not get the same in return. I got ignored, belittled behind my back, discouraged, hindered, and outright attacked. It is not I who am unreasonable, paranoid nor unwilling to engage in cooperation, incapable of mature conversation.

    In our society, one cannot be prosecuted for a crime unless they commit it. Yet, I am constantly treated as if I stole away and hid my children. Sure, people offered to help me do it, but in the end I sent the letters telling everyone exactly where I was and what I was doing. I am paying for a crime a never committed. I cannot even be found guilty of conspiring for in response to the offer, I waited and prayed for another option to manifest. When that opportunity came, I was relieved. Noting in me wanted to be responsible for or be forced into kidnaping my own children.