A Great Wrestling

 The first thoughts to hit my mind this morning after waking were how those who share photos with the comments "If you would step in and help a child who is being bullied repost this", have heard the stories I have posted of how each of my children are being bullied by their fathers, and yet do nothing are hypocrits and liars. They "see" my children and I being bullied and yet do nothing about it. We are but a part of their "bread and circuses". But that thought led me to a very dark place in my mind, one I associate and fear as being full of hatred and judgement and condemnation, of being anything but loving. That is not who I want to be, it is not where I want to dwell; there, in that inner darkness so emotionally distressed I can't even think reasonably. So, how do I set myself free?, I wondered. Thus began the great wrestling that ended in peace.
     To fight what is happening to me and my children would be rebellion and resistence (that which we resist persists, "do not resist evil", we are told in scripture, and God hates rebelliousness). I am reminded of a message God gave me:"Do you think I am unable to give you your children?". It CAN be that easy. So God is allowing it to happen this way for now for some reason. God never does anything without a reason. So, God is not giving it to these people to help me. Scripture says a person cannot do one righteous act unless God gives him the will and means to do it. God is not giving it to these people to do this, what does that mean? Does that mean God hates them, that God hates what they are doing? The thought strikes me: if they condemn these men by helping me, they condemn their own families who did the same to them, they condemn what they themselves are doing. That takes courage, to do what I do, to live life as I live it, honestly, openly, with integrity and self-reflection in the face of everything. "He who loves father or mother or brother or sister more than me is not worthy of me", the saying is recorded to be. If we fear offending family, making them angry, more than we fear God, then we are loving them more than we love truth, justice, honesty and integrity, which is the essence of God's state of being. If we do not kill within us that which causes us to be abusive, we are loving our lives, our existence in darkness, more than our neighbor, the ones we call friends, our families, and "God who is in me".
     And I do admit to having had reticence concerning this thing: bringing such children into my life, the life of my younger children. My older daughters are full of strife, fear and meanness, just plain viscious like the fathers who raised them. Do I really want them in my home abusing me and my younger children? But I also know that deep within them lie my genes. If ever the kingdom of God was written within them, it can be retrieved. God would give that to me. So, I simply need to wait and be patient, apparently to "do nothing" but allow God to choose for me. Inaction is a choice in it's self and my inaction is the choosing to allow God to do for me whatever it is He is willing.
   Part of the arguement within me this morning concerned eyes being opened. How many times in scripture do we read God saying "If their eyes are opened, I would have to heal them". That is why it is reported the one called Jesus spoke in parables. It is why God prophesied in parables to Isreal. I think of how I have seen eyes opened, most dramatically in my mother. With sudden clarity she looked at my youngest children and exclaimed "All they want to do is love me! They do not want anything from me". It was an intense realization and reminded me of when she was driving me back to Maine after they first took my older children. She was ranting at me how we just needed to stop trying to control what the other was doing. She caught herself for a moment and turned to me with dawning clarity and said "You have never tried to control me". Then it was as if a black metal door dropped before her face as it darkened and she went back to ranting at me. What was her choice of action after each of these "eyes being opened" experiences? With my younger children, she bought them shovels this past winter so they could learn to do chores and 'earn their keep'. They may not have wanted anyting from her, but she sure as hell wanted to impose her beliefs on them. Back then after her eyes were opened concerning me, she betrayed me helping them take my children from me, treating me like a suspicious criminal, being informant for the enemy. Even most recently, when we desperately needed diapers, I asked her. She delivered a big ol' box of them but while handing them over, she tapped on the box pointendly and told me I would have to make a greater effort potty training. Conditional giving, still trying to control me. Putting off information on how to switch the electric bill over to my name: so she could hold it against me that I wasn't paying it. I am no longer naive. From that point on I sought diapers from other sources who would not give conditionally and discovered for myself how to get the bills in my name.
   Eyes will be opened but only for a moment so when they stand before God, they cannot claim to have never been allowed to see. The end for such people is misery. And what about these "great things" people do in fact do for me? like allowing me to live here rent free. Number one, the place is not rentable and yet she wanted every penny I got to pay full rent. Her original intent was no "great deed". But she still benefits as I am keeping the place in good repair, it is not falling down due to neglect, being filled with mold, mildew, dust and insects like the rest left unoccupied. My presence is as good as any security system. And I will tell you what I know of God's justice. You see, every time God liberated Isreal from her oppressors, they left with the wealth of the nations they were leaving. In Egypt, for their labors they got whips and chains, their children murdered. When they left they were commanded to ask of their neighbors all the riches, gold and jewelry. They got it. When Isreal left Babylon to rebuild the temple, not only did they get back the gold utensils taken from the temple, but also the wood and money to rebuild it, their lives and their cities. They took the wealth of that nation with them. So, if I leave with anything, having had anything given me, it is God giving me what I should have received while I was here and God raping them as they raped me. If there are feelings of hurt, anger, of being used and abused, of ingratitude, it is only what is being returned to you for all the hurt, neglect, abuse and lack of gratitude for what I was and did for you. For, you see, I do feel grateful for every bit given, the feelings left behind are a misrepresentation of what I am feeling, but an experience deserved in return for the experience given me. It is an ILLUSION that YOU will suffer under. And then for your condemnation of me for that illusion, you yourself will receive condemnation instead of me. For when I had means, I did more for you than you ever did for me. The path of destruction I have been reported as leaving, is only destruction revisted on the people who destroyed me. It is evil returning to it's source of origins, not a conscious effort from me. I am simply *aware* of what is coming, I am in no way consciously creating it for me. The desire for vengence does not live in me. I am innocent and only observing and reporting on what I see happening.
    This is my legacy. In my heart lives peace. Today fear and hatred found no home in me. I am God's Magenta Flame. The Bright and Morning Star lives in me with Crystal clarity. "Only the righteous will fly with me."