"In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" book review

                                                       Book Review: Hungry Ghosts
                                                             Chapter 1
                                                         By God's magenta Flame
     "There is a world beyond, but to them it's largely inaccessible. It fears and rejects them and they, in turn, do not understand it's rules and cannot survive in it." writes Gabor Mate, M.D. in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". It is the way I feel. It is what I have in common with the homeless and addicts. I know the rules, I just cannot remember to sleep with one eye open. When I do, it's too exhausting. "Doing what I need to do" to "keep the peace" and thus keep a job, home and social connections going is impossible for me, fraudulent and dishonest. I cannot live in that society more than temporarily. My coping mechanism? Spirituality. Self-reflection. Honest expression; whether it be love, anguish, hurt or anger at unrighteousness. I like the feeling of release, a load lightening. I cannot resist it. If I try, it bottles up and comes out explosively, inappropriately, and self-destructively. When I don't repress it, it displeases people. It makes them uncomfortable. They shut me out, make my life difficult so I will quit. But I wonder how many are considered functional who actually just deaden themselves long enough to make it through the work week and then explode on weekends with binge drinking, movies, entertainment, shopping sprees, tattoes, etc. Are they any more functional than we? I know they notice the same things as me because once in a while one will pop up in defense of me. Then I wonder who is it really who makes up the rules for society we find so difficult to live by? Is it not those whose power and money place them above the rules, those who do not have to live by them?
      Dr. Gabor Mate's book is a stimulating read for me because he is similarly self-reflective. His book is based upon the answers he has seen in such questions. He is honest enough to see himself in 'less fortunate people'.He is honest enough to admit that more than once in a while he has seen enough of it. I have to admit much the same. It's easier to close my eyes to the obvious inner workings of other people for a little while. It is that or completely withdraw from society. Because withdrawing means being unable to maintain property, I throw it away completely. I have left behind houses, vehicles, animals, etc. I don't have a trust fund to cover the costs of mainting it for me when I need to withdraw. That is the only difference between "them" and me. I don't have a supportive family to help carry the load when it gets too heavy, though they are more than happy to relieve me of things like children. Shoot, why would a child need a mother? They have institutions, daycares, foster parents, etc that will make them products of a system where they can learn to deaden themselves and become 'functional', too.
     Dr. Mate works at establishments that house the otherwise unhousable unconditionally. To most that is a foreign concept. To many it is offensive. Some might call it irresponsible. At these establishments, getting free from addictions is encouraged and supported, but not a requirement. It is not based on hopelessness concerning these people. It is simply acceptence of the harsh reality that most won't be able to free themselves. Those who maintain it clean up the bloody messes, treat the pestilences and serve the meals. They don't close the kitchen because someone didn't do their own dishes. They do the dishes for them. For those who CAN heal, I wonder if just such an environment that makes it possible. I had noticed that about myself. My leaps of growth occur when I am not trying to follow a bunch of rules and am free of obligations forcing me out of the home to make money. I highly doubt it is realistic to think a life marred by abuse can be rectified by a few weeks of forced sobriety and forced 'responsibility'. So overloaded by unreasonable demands, the slightest bit of 'responsibility' becomes too much for an abused person to handle. We need peace, freedom from expectation, and to made of us very few demands. Many might respond with: "you don't deserve it" or "we don't get it so why should you?". Did I deserve 40 years of abuse? Why don't you get a break once in a while? Could you maybe not be so different from me and just not want to see it?
     "Most of the people who've worked in the Downtown Eastside have noticed it: a sense of authenticity, a loss of the usual social games, the surrender of pretense-the reality of people who cannot declare themselves anything other than what they are." wrote Dr. Mate. I think that is exactly why I have always been drawn to more 'unsavory elements' despite a more prestigious upbringing. In my world of priviledged upbringing, the violent nature of individuals was denied, excused, hidden behind masks. My father was buried a hero and is still honored as a saint at family functions. My mother rubs elbows with the elite constantly. The dishonesty and denial of my suffering drove me crazy. At least in the 'lower' elements violence is more apparent, more obvious and easily identifiable. It is less likely to be denied and fighting against it is accepted, even expected though ridiculed. Even the ridicule is open and thus more honest, unlike the sarcasm, quietly spoken 'digs', veiled insults and self-righteous accusations/blame perpetrated amongst the 'elite'. As much a relief to those like me as those who serve there I see: "I can come here and actually be who I am........it helps me maintain honesty in what I do." Dr. Mate quotes Kim Markel.
     "I don't know the person two houses down from me.... Not down here. Here people know eachother, and that has it's pros and cons. It means people rail at eachother and rage at eachother, and it also means that people will share their last five pennies with eachother", Dr. mate quotes Kim Markel again."People here are very raw, so what comes out is the violence and ugliness that often gets highlighted in media. But that rawness also brings out raw feelings of joy and tears of joy-" Kim is quoted further. In my opinion, because they live such emotionally honest lives they are more capable of empathy than those who deny their anger, pains, hurts and suffering. Which is why such parts of society were always more comfortable to me. I am a cryer. If I am angry, I hate conflict, violence, confrontation so much that I just break down crying. Anger is often born of fear, fear of inadequacy, etc. i fear hurting people. So, I release fear and anger by crying rather than striking out at anybody. i cry when my heart is broken. I cry when I am dissapointed. I cry when I am overwhelmingly happy. due to empathy, I always cry when other people are crying.  Others find this very disturbing. "Professionals" consider it instability, messy, and innapropriate, unattractive, unhelpful, unproductive. I find it healing and so do those who are honest with themselves. I want the same compassion given me. I want to work and live in such a 'warm' world. I cannot function properly as me, whole and complete in a cold one where emotion is unnacceptable. I know how to step back outside of myself, how to be ojective but that does not mean I have to be completely void of compassion to do it. I can share tears of pain while acknowledging the person crying brought it upon themselves. Just because we bring it upon ourselves does not mean we do not feel the suffering it brings. I would consider myself cursed without a conscience if I didn't.
     The next couple paragraphs are powerful. They speak of the laughter, witty senses of humor, reminding me of my own experiences of joyful expression and optomism. As a child I would awake all excited and talkative. I was immediately shushed and told "Don't you know no one wants to hear about it?!". Even as an adult my excitement at things I was discovering would bring me up to the edge of my seat sharing enthusiastically. Then I would also be shushed in gatherings, frowned upon for acting so undignified, innapropriately, immaturely. I dance in supermarket isles. I dance and sing on the roadside walking. Why shouldn't I? Because I'm not crazy? Because I'm not a child? Because for someone else, witnessing it is embarrassing? How much more could we accomplish if we released the energy of our enthusiastic inner child? Why should we not be proud to have beeen given to overcome the fears that would otherwise have us stifled? Why should we have to resort to drugs and drinking to set ourselves free enough to do such things? Is it in our best interests to confine such realities to the realms of 'dysfunction'?, the topic
      Then the final paragraphs speak of how the doctor's clients are "Like children, they are unimpressed with titles, achievements, worldly credentials. Their concerns are too immediate, too urgent." "They gauge with unerring eye whether I am grounded enough on any day to co-exist with them...." "an atmosphere that insists on authenticity. Whether we know it or not, most of us crave authenticity....the fresh air of truth, even if it's the stripped, frayed truth of desperation. It holds up a mirror..." 
     And for those of us who claim to be believers: emotional honesty is being honest with ourselves. Only when we can be honest with ourselves can we be honest with anyone else. only when we can be honest with ourselves and others can we be honest with God. Only with emotional honesty do we cease robbing Him.
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In the end, this book has served to validate all that God had been teaching me, giving it scientific terms and definition, a witness it's self to any who read it. We are powerless without divine intervention. The insights continue, the compassion, personal experiences, research.....all truly amazing. Dr. Mate includes insights as to why none of it is accepted by the world but plenty of evidence why it should be. Definitely a worthwhile read and compliment to my journey.

more discovery about abusive relationships

        As  I spoke on the phone this evening to an exhusband who I had not spoken to in 10 years, I was amazed I once found his mannerisms attractive. "Shush now breath" as if I was excited somehow, upset or angry....the make a feel small, question your own responses and emotions technique...under the guise of emotionally superiority. The lies and deceitful boasting of actions probably never taken....making himself out to be a hero and justified in things. "Don't even go there", he says. No one can tell me where or where not it is appropriate for me to go when it comes to my children, but if he were to ask for me to respect an area, I would without hesitation. then he tells me his cell phone number so I won't call the house phone and his wife won't know we had spoken. Part of his decietful marriage practices? I don't think so, buddy. Enabling his manipulations of his wife is what I would be doing. Best just to not call him again if I don't have to.
     But each day I see more and more how controlling and abusive behaviors are deeply woven into the very fibers and foundations of our society and interactions, so subtle. The controling individual or abuser never rests, lets you take your ease. They are on their toes constantly and demand you be so they get their attention to fight their own insecurities.
      I saw how his absense in my daughter's life deprived her of the ability to know wrong from right. sure, I corrected her and held her to a higher standard, but no one else did. No one was there to back me up, reinforce what I was saying, rewarding good actions. Instead when I would tell her to apologize or right a wrong, others responded with "it doesn't matter", "it's OK", "there's no need"....all those "polite" dismissals that undermine righteous parenting.
      I saw how children don't believe we love them just because we do such-and-such for them, it doesn't mean they know we love them. It is not safe to make that assumption. They are only hopeful that we do. Actions are viewed as obligations instead of sincere acts of affections, especially if we recount them in a way that feels more like boasting. They feel like a burden they need to be lifting.
   So, in summation, we cannot assume our children or anyone knows we love them nor can we assume they know right from wrong, even if we believe we taught them.

A funny thing happened on the way to fulfilling my goals........

  A funny thing happened on the way to fulfilling one of my goals for this year. I was responding to an email about becoming a certified volunteer advocate. They would interview me, do a backround check if they were considering me, etc. I was remembering how I am already an activist, I had organized that convoy of over 100 vehicles, how many had expressed to myself and others how inspired they were by me and so I had all the validation I needed......something clicked in my head: "maybe it is you who should be seeking to be associated with me. Maybe I should be the one interviewing you." I laughed at myself. That is not how things work in this system and I know it as well as anyone else, but the next day I realized that in a real world, it would. Reading about something and practicing it are two very different things, as anyone who has ever tried something new after only having read about it can verify. We have a bunch of people who have read a bunch of books and written in the politically correct answers on the right pieces of paper to get a degree(another piece of paper) that says they are qualified to help people like what I used to be. I, on the other hand, am a living success story. Would you take advice from someone who has a degree but 4 divorces since getting that degree or from someone who has been married for 50 years and has no degree whatsoever?
    So, I began to reflect on my experiences with those people, did they REALLY know what they were talking about and did I really want to be associated with them? When I first returned to Maine, I called them for help in getting a restraining order. The court advocate was so disrespectful in her tone and I knew more than she had to offer, so I went it alone. The only problem with that was when applying for welfare, I wasn't allowed to take advantage of certain services and privacies because I was not working through them. The only benefit to me with working with them is the political influence and authority their pieces of paper give them.
    Then I reflected even further back. I had stayed in one of their shelters a few years back, The support and services so poorly delivered and resources so limited, I went back to my abuser. At least my daughter would get her basic needs like diapers met there. At least I was mobile and not limited to a house and fenced-in yard. At least I'd have ciggarettes, lol.
    It's not all their fault, really. They are limited by funding limiting them with conditions on what they can spend the money on. For example, this particulr shelter had ample funds for groceries. They were limited in reference to diapers by what was donated; they hadn't had any diapers donated lately. Rides to support groups were not provided. maybe it was limitations due to insurance or vehicle sizes or gas funding. These are the limits I want to break through for people. If funding through grants is limited, then you take your fundraising to the streets to fill those gaps in. The limiting is mostly in the thinking.
    I began to think about that aspect. How people in social services give eachother awards, pat themselves on the back and go home after their nine-to-five shift of "helping", for which they get paid and are praised for "going the extra mile". If that is an extra mile......we, as a culture, are in big trouble. When we take someone in, get an extra job to make their standard of living even above our own, THAT is an extra mile we have travelled. But doesn't that sound harsh and judgemental? Wouldn't saying such a thing be more discouraging than productive? Wouldn't such words cause conflict and bring rebellion? Wouldn't they rant about a lack of appreciation and unrealistic expectations? Wouldn't they then close the doors to the help they are already giving? Would we not be told we need to inspire gently instead? Egos are so very fragile.....tender and explosive things.
     So, do I flatter the egos to get that piece of paper so I can give others a sense of security in any services I might offer: Yes, she is qualified, she has the piece of paper. Yes, she worked through them and so she can have those extra rights to privacy, etc. My ego is not too fragile.