To whom it may concern;
I would like to share with you a picture. This is the picture of a mother with long, dark hair. She is standing on a covered porch with the arms of two young girls wrapped around her legs. Before her stands a large man with a gun on his hip. Behind him, two men in a vehicle watching and waiting like vultures circling for their turn at the kill. The large man says to the woman: "Convince those girls to get into the car or I will knock you down, hurting them, and tear them off your legs." The mother has just been threatened with violence. She is under duress, coercive persuasion and undue influence. "You are a human being you have a choice, you do not have to do this", she demands of him. "It's my job.", the large intimidating man says. "That's no excuse", she accuses. With no other option apparent, she tells the older of the two to help her sister to the car. That little girl is taking responsibility for two men incapable of taking responsibility for their own insecurities, a responsibility no child should carry. In the wake of this event, all are traumatized, not just mother and two daughters. No. An older sister is wracked with unneccesary guilt because at one point she wished her sisters weren't around. The guilt is a sign of her love and attachment to them. Then there are the siblings to come, three more born into circumstances no child should live in: a mother too traumatized to work and be fully present. This mother had to quit her job, unable to even read numbers on boxes she was supposed to be putting on a conveyor because the trauma effected her brain processing. This is dehumanizing for a woman with higher than average I.Q. Wracked with uncertainty and low self-esteem she lost her confidence in her parenting, making her weak and unstable (not as in unstable/erratic but as in not strong and sturdy as is needed in parenting). She subjected herself to even more dramatically abusive relationships than she had previously experienced because she felt she didn't have anything better coming. She gave up. She lived in filth. She became homeless. She lost all hope and lived like a criminal with no I.D. or residence because she feared the system that made and empowered her abusers, abusing her it's self. In her absence the courts ordered more child support for each week than is usually made by the average person with no formal education in Maine, child support determined based on a temporary position, hourly wages during the busy season. She did not care, she was a criminal anyway, she imagined.
But there is something different about this woman. She did not succomb to alcoholism or drug addiction, she turned to self-help books and spirituality. She wandered the country like a ghost in a shell of a body, hungry and haunting, hopeless and praying. She was in and out of domestic violence shelters and programs, reading her bible every day, begging for understanding: how and why did this all happen? She became relentless. She let no man tell her a thing. She knew what she needed. She began to make her own decisions. She received self-empowerment. And now she comes before you this day saying "Please help me, let them pay". And it is not a request for vengence. It isn't even a request for justice. It is not the pleading of a victim. It is a self-assured request for restitution for the personal injury incurred by her and her children to temporarily relieve their burdens so they can focus on healing from the PTSD they all suffer. She needs a personal injury lawyer who will work pro-bono unless he/she wins the case or else she needs donations so she can hire one. She presented the original restraining order that empowered the large man and cowards that hid behind him to a lawyer once who said it was without a doubt, absolutely illegally applied, however the lawyer herself was not certified(?) to work in the district otherwise she would love to have at that judge for doing such a thing. "I know I am justified. I know I am right. I only now have the courage and conviction, enough fortitude to apply them and see this through."
We can be reached by mail:
Detroit Village Neighborly
PO Box 154
Detroit, ME 04929
email:
morningstarcrystal@gmail.com
phone:
207-408-2016
Website:
http://detroitvillagegrandmashouse.blogspot.com/
From the mother:
In the family court system, an individual is not entitled to legal representation, with more on the line than their own freedom from abuse and extreme limitation but that of their children as well, a parent has less rights than a serial killer. When I received paperwork from attorneys with long lists of witnesses whose names I did not recognize, I knew I was out of my element, without timely legal representation and completely intimidated. There was no way I was going to subject myself to the further violence of verbal and emotional assault from people of authority and people whom I did not have the slightest clue about. The unspoken threat by every one of these people was traumatic. I don't care if the courts host people who face it every day and so why can't I? That is not the point, as mothers have always said "If your friends all jump off a cliff does that make it right?". Just because the courts claim victims daily does not make it right. By that train of thought, Hitler was right simply because of the sheer number of Jews, handicapped people, and religious adherents he killed daily, Muslim extremists are right for cutting off women's noses, do I make my point clearly?
And how many are imprisoned for non-payment of child support, hang themselves, go without driver's licenses to get to work to make the money to make the payments, roam the streets homeless all due to the child support system? And what kind of parent lays such a burden upon another and on their own children who have to go to school and report to friends "Oh, my dad? He's in jail". How embarrassing for that child! How shameful!
The number one killer of pregnant women in the U.S. is the man who got her that way. I suspect the fear of court orders and child support looming in their future because we all pretty much respect that most relationships don't last, might have something to do with it. And for those of us who want no part of forcing another parent into such a situation what right does the government have to force the matter "on their behalf"? A parent who wants any kind of assistance cannot get it unless they "turn over" the other parent. So, don't get public assistance, one might say. Excuse me, but when the human brain makes a decision, it imagines all the scenarios before choosing what it believes is appropriate. When we imagine a scenario, we imagine how it feels: we experience it emotionally. That emotional experience causes physical changes in the brain: literally brain damage. When that officer threatened to knock us to the ground, I experienced it emotionally and so did my children. It crippled our thinking, our reasoning abilities. That is but one traumatic event that effected my brain in this whole thing. It was an assault with responsibility held by the taxpayer who voted the judge in, who voted for the representatives who made the laws enabling the judge to enact such abuses with the stroke of a pen. Voting citiens ARE responsible. The least society can do is lend a bit of help in period of recovery from the bed society made for such women and children.
And what was my crime? I read a book explaining how to prevent our children from becoming victims of abuse. I defended my children before family and their fathers. I changed the rules of interaction, changing the order of things. They ridiculed me, ostracized me, bullied me for it. Realizing we needed a change of scenery to get away from our abusive families, I went to visit friends, found a job and sent notice that I had found a house in Ohio and would be moving in there. I was doing the right thing by my children absolutely. I followed the letter of the law completely. The fathers who never really gave them any quality care, affection or attention while we lived among them were suddenly offended and "had" to have those children for some reason.
And once they knocked me down in forcing me to hand over my children, they had the nerve to ask me to get their shoes. These men with plenty of money to hire lawyers and drive down to Ohio just to assault me and kidnap my children, couldn't just stop at Walmart and buy a pair? Rape me then expect me to make you dinner? Get some shoes yourself! I was too scattered, reeling from shock to go rummaging around the house only to be violated again with the intimidating cop's presence and coercive demands for footwear.. Just a couple days before three men from Ohio's court system had knocked on the door to let me know what they were trying to do from Maine, but assured me the restraining order could not be enforced in Ohio. I suspect some political strings were pulled through this whole thing. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under me! Bouts of anxiety, panic, expected sudden traumatic events........I was terrorized daily with the emotional memories of these instances.
If I have to set a precedent, I will. If I have to be the example and voice for traumatized children and parents across this nation, count me in. I finally realized something: if I could organize a convoy of over 100 vehicles for a girl and her horse after a shooting, why would I not be willing and able to do the same for my own children? And, if I ever want to start my own charity to help people, I must first help myself: "Unless you first help yourself, you cannot be of help to anyone else".
How did I get by each day? Just what was I thinking?
I did not want my children jerked back and forth in constant battle. I did not want them to have to develop split personalities, accommodating themselves to coping with living two separate lives between two extremely different mentalities. I had read in cult recovery books how children raised in high control groups/religions often displayed such characteristics. One of my exes would be raising my daughter as a Jehovah's Witness which is a high control group/religion while I had left them and was exploring a more free life experience. The other was materialistic, prestige and competition orientated, and politically connected as part of his family upbringing, very controlling.... all things I disdained. In this perspective, my heart and mind would be in agreement. It is better for the children. And so I started another life. I got married and had another child.
But on occasion my heart would rebel. She just wanted her children. She remembered holding them to her breast as she nursed them. She remembered dancing in the fields with them. She remembered doctoring them and soothing their crying, breaking up their fights and helping them pursue their interests. She remembered their cute little faces and cute little dresses. She would weep unbearably and the mind would entertain her and tempt her with images of extreme action: Bonnie without the Clyde, the woman refusing to submit to the system, being a victim to the controls her exes and courts would place upon her. Woman in nothing but war paint on the path of anger. She would be an example of freedom and independence! She would be something to inspire her daughters to break free.....they would hear the stories.....but my heart would not believe. My heart did not buy it. It called the mind a coward. She needed soothing. That's when I began my New Age addiction.
And when I entertained the belief I would never see them again nor would they ever think of me, hear of me, I comforted myself knowing that if God found me, a child alone in the wilderness amongst humanity, He could find them. He did not need any help from me. They did not need me. So I lived on knowing all I could ever do for them is pray for them and allow God to heal me. So, I let go of everything; my marriage, my 4th daughter, all material things. I let men have me, abandon and abuse me. The first got me pregnant and dumped me. The second held me captive, got me pregnant and hauled me all over the country. My mind was satisfied but my heart rebelled. It wanted freedom. That's when I became focused.
When I finally thought about returning to Maine, my heart hoped tentatively. My mind rebelled intellectually. Nothing good could come from this thing! I was only putting myself in danger of prison and losing the two children I had with me. But something in me told me "trust in the Lord"; trust in me. Being in such a state of conflict I still did nothing when I came back. I sat back and waited. Nothing happened. I sent cards, letters, trinkets to my girls, glad to be able to do even that small thing, but wondering. There was a promise within me, when would it happen? A year later now and it is finally happening. I am returning to a more mature version of the woman who left 10 years ago ready to reclaim her children. I was and am again a damn good mother. I know what is in their best interests. I know what is needed to heal them. I saw it happen in me.
In the end, I realize, too that in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, a big reason for me not sticking around Maine when I first followed my children back was because with every fiber of my being I wanted to kill those men. It was not a rage of anger. It was a cold, cool natural reaction: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. They had killed me intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, taking the life right out of me. The first reflex any of has upon being hit is to hit back. Because it is so natural, the only rage I felt was when I resisted this most natural, reasonable urge. It led to further frustration because under society's influence, I had to perceive my natural reaction as evil, while my brain, heart and soul didn't. There was no valid reason for me to resist it. But, because it is "bad", I resisted it. Because it would only have landed me in jail and my children to the foster care system or just other family members who would equally abuse them, I resisted. Instead I cried out within my soul to learn what it meant to be "a pool of silence", to be "a man of peace". Years later I finally understand I never TRULY wanted anyone dead, I just wanted them not to hurt me or my children. I wanted a sense of security that those who we are supposed to trust with meting out justice would. All I ever wanted was to be able to raise my children in peace and security. I learned that a man of peace is not against war, but knows when waging war is appropriate and how to justly wage that war when needed. Most of all I realized, a man of peace in a world that declares "if you are not with us, you're against us", has already had war declared upon them simply because they desire to be left out of other people's causes that are not justly initiated or fought. War in this world is unavoidable. Thus a person of peace is definitely going to be at war with the world. It is in HOW we wage this war we are rewarded.
Also, when choosing first to seek peace, I knew within my heart that such unimaginative, emotionally irresponsible, insecure, unmotivated men as these would not go far with my children. Somehow, I knew they would be right where I left them.
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It's funny. People think they can imagine what I am feeling, not that I am saying my feelings are too deep that I can't imagine someone else could imagine what I am feeling. No, it is because relatively speaking, my emotions are subtle. That's what happens when your brain gets healthy; emotions are light, like a steady whisper, like water flowing effortlessly. So, anyways, here is my response to one who thinks I just need a shoulder to cry on:
You are very sweet, thank you. I know you can imagine how I might be feeling and that takes a heart of generosity to do. There comes a point, though, where one grows beyond where others can imagine that they are feeling because they are beyond the common human experience. And I don't mean in a "way out there" sense. I mean in a very grounded, "I know what needs doing, I know how to do it and I CAN do it", easy: "Would you like coffee or tea?", "Tea please". Emotionally it is that simple for me. No trauma or drama with it. No overwhelming emotions motivating me, no sense of helplessness, a simple acceptance of what needs doing, what I can be doing. "oh, I can do this today". In emergencies I have become the one everyone turns to, who always knows what to do, the one who is level-headed and not panicked. I do have a good friend, encouraging, supportive, thinks I'm brave when I am just doing what I need to be doing and living honestly from within.
I always laugh when I complain about a broken light fixture leaking water from the roof on a rainy day- a legitimate fire hazard- and the landlord says "I understand you're going through a hard time......" and never fixes it. Why do men assume a woman only requests change in circumstances because she's emotionally high? Probably because that is what it takes for most women to finally get the courage to express what she needs to for her own and her children's own safety and welfare. I am not that woman. a demand for a correction in my circumstances is common sense, a legitimate concern for the safety of my children. Women can have that. We can have conviction plain and simple, unemotional conviction.
I don't need more reassurance, comforting or anything of that nature. I need money. As if your co-worker comes and says: "I need a pen, got one?". I am rummaging around in my purse in need of a pen. That pen happens to be money.
And I know most women are thinking: "It'll blow over, she'll get through this" as women have "gotten through" throughout history, by exploding and then letting go, giving up on themselves, their children and never following through with significant action. They make threats. They wear themselves out with their emotions and thus have no endurance. I am not driven by emotions and so have the endurance to go the distance and take what I intend to it's needed conclusion. It's not a passing fancy. It's not an act of desperation. It is what is needed.
So, anyways. Thank you for reaching out. It means something. There is nothing to fix or make better here, however, except my financial situation. It'll come eventually.
I love you!
Oh, there is one thing anyone can always do for me: believe in me.
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