There I sat, for a moment confused and utterly embarrassed. My husband was standing over me after rising huffily from his seat and shaking his head at me disdainfully in front of the entire congregation. I hadn't done or said a single thing. I had just been sitting in the meeting listening. This was entirely out of the blue, unprovoked. After we left the meeting I asked him frankly: "You did that on purpose to make it look like I had done something to make you angry and make everybody think I was not being a good, submissive woman." He answered honestly and proudly "Yes, I did". He knew I could not talk to the congregation in defense of myself, I had asked to be disfellowshipped, which meant I was shunned and not spoken to. He knew my being reinstated was dependent upon my behavior. By keeping me alienated from them, he kept me alienated from all my friends and spiritual family while he received all their support and adulation. This is how this manipulative man recruits people to assault an otherwise defenseless woman. What would he do to a child to get her to be submissive? This is the man raising my other daughter in that religion. The daughter who was stolen by the intimidating threats made by a police officer to do her violence. The child who, at five years old had to lead away her sister to save her from those same threats of violence. She was the second child in the room hiding behind the door braced shut with a dresser.
This husband was just a very young man who had pressured me relentlessly to be with him. I didn't even really like him, though I loved everyone and anyone. I had compassion for him, but wasn't romantically head over heals for him. He lived in the trailer park I did and had an abusive mother. I could empathize with him. He was just constantly coming over. He'd try to be helpful, but his ideas of being playful like throwing snowballs at me, wrestling me to the ground, etc was a complete turn off and reminded me of my father who was not only physically abusive but used such opportunities at "play" with us children to fondle my budding breasts and "accidentally" grab my private areas. But, I needed a disfellowshiping offense and for that offense to be "immorality" so I could get divorced from the abusive Jehovah's Witness husband and so the elders would be willing to disfellowship me as I requested of them. The boy wanted it, the boy eventually wore me down and got it. He hadn't had any young women his own age ever interested in him until they found out about me. An older woman's involvement piqued their interest, made them rethink him, and suddenly he was cocky and domineering towards me. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to just leave telling him I had an abortion, but I had a guilty conscience about it all. I'm not good with lying. I wasn't good with condemning a newborn child and my oldest daughter to everlasting death just because I couldn't handle things. So, I chose to make things right, as I understood them: you marry so your child is not "illegitimate" and you return to "The Truth". And that is how it was that I ended up with this abusive young man standing over me as husband making me look bad in front of the entire congregation.
And what of this religion my daughter is being raised in? They had been my family. When I discovered my husband was abusive, I went to them, the elders who I had trusted and confided in for years. One of them is head of a family I lived with. "We're sorry, we cannot speak with you without your husband present". What a betrayal! So, of course we were called before them, me and my husband. He dominated the conversation, which according to them is only appropriate. He lied through his teeth and made ridiculous accusations of me. I had no defense. I had to "be in subjection". It was after that I asked to be disfellowshiped. Now I regret them. My daughter is being raised by them to be a submissive little woman, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically battered and broken. When she was two years old and would come home from visitation with her father, she would trip over a tree root and cry out "Satan is trying to kill me using the tree!" and if arguing with her older sister, "Satan is trying to kill me using (my sister)". I spent the beginning of every week "deprogramming" my daughter from the weekend's worth of fear she was indoctrinated with. And it's not just about Satan using trees and siblings to kill her. As one who is disfellowshipped, she is taught to seek out no reason to speak to me. She is to only interact with me if truly necessary. And even worse than that; now that I am speaking out against them, she is being instructed to view me as the worst kind of evil, absolutely irredeemable and she is not to speak to me under any circumstances what so ever. She is homeschooled so no one outside of the "family" would know if anything bad were happening to her. I am a big proponent of homeschooling, but in her case, not by these people. From her father's treatment of me, I know he very well could be physically abusive, but there is no way I would know it. He does not answer any of my communications and had stopped answering the phone when I called for her. No one outside "The Truth" would know.
So, again, why did I try to get reinstated, go back to them? Same reasons anyone goes back to an abuser. Research has shown that statistically, a woman will return to her abuser, on average, seven times before she either leaves him for good or is killed by him. I may not have returned to one man seven times or more, but my return to abusive relationships, whether they be one man or a series of abusive men and one religion, is not crazier than any other person all things considered. In the case of the religion, it was concern for the salvation of my children rather than any concern for myself: I was a lost cause in my opinion, but at least, I thought, I could save my children by raising them in "The Truth". But I am not alone nor are the Jehovah's Witnesses the only abusive religion. There are thousands out there. Visit a forum for Cult Recovery and the list of groups is endless. Even the little church in front of my house worships it's "Preacher" and declares it's self the only true church. They are Apostolic Pentecostals, considered a 'mainstream' religion. They are just at a lesser degree of abusiveness than those commonly called cults.
I have a funny little story about that church in front of my house. I attended their services. The preacher's wife was away and he stood at that podium degrading her and his congregation's efforts to make him comfortable while she was away. "She made me dinners and banana bread to feed me while she's gone. The women are bringing me meals. Preacher don't need no dinners! Preacher can take care of himself: I'd rather just grab a sandwich. Preacher don't need no women!" and on another occasion "I ain't gonna come to your house for dinner! Preacher can't keep an eye on his flock if he has his head in the trough! I don't socialize with my congregation!". The whole time he is making these statements, the whole front row is laughing, clapping, nodding their heads and shouting "Amen! You tell it!" That is one technique I am all too familiar with. A man wants to degrade a woman, her cooking is not good enough for him. She makes a nice meal, he turns his nose up and makes himself a sandwich. After one man doing this to me, I stopped cooking for him completely. I would cook for the children. He would come in, say "What?! None for me?" and then eat the children's dinner.
And the women in that congregation always look like they are run ragged. They believe the scripture that says "Let him that does not work not eat". It is talking about 'the worker being worthy of his wages', which is preaching the Kingdom. But this congregation takes it literally so their women all work, many still also homeschooling their children, and take care of their families and church business. "Preacher's" wife counsels/holds bible studies with/ most likely reproves the other women so they do the same as she and of all of them, she looks the most worn out, constantly looking frazzled and run ragged. Which is a shame, because she is a vibrant, dedicated woman with many admirable qualities and no shortage of insight into her own inner development. She is trying.
They have found that the highest ratio of percentage of people to groups of people on personality altering medications is found amongst high-control groups like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You find within them the most traumatized and physically ill people as well. Spiritual abuse is no less traumatic than physical, in my opinion and the statistics appear to prove it. That is where my daughter is, being raised to live amongst, be abused by and become one of them.
But what more can we expect from anyone, any organization that tells you that you're unfit, not good enough, or are a sinner, that you need them because you can't take care of yourself or for your redemption and to give them your money for your own benefit or salvation in the form of tithing or donation as a form of sacred service, a privilege, a sign of commitment....."proof" that you love them/God.
Those who truly love us see us, know us and have no need for us to prove anything to them for they know the truth of who we are. And who we are to them, is up to them to choose.
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