I began with the good ol' boy, gave in to the trailer trash who became a Jehovah's Witness, thought I would be moving up in the world with an accountant, and thought I would give the quiet blue-collar guy a chance. Before I'd agree to marry him, he had to agree I could be a stay-at-home mother. And he did. We had a beautiful daughter who was named for the victory I experienced at overcoming fear of not being able to give my heart to another child after suffering the loss of daughters number two and three. Wow, did I love her. She went everywhere with me. I nursed her, slept with her, carried her in a back carrier when chicken farm sitting. We made playground equipment out of furniture inside when it was winter, we painted and colored. Going through my New Age period, she was by my side and in my lap as I led groups in guided meditations. Our existence was serene with her father a quiet ghost lingering on the outskirts.
He never contributed anything. He refused to hold her. When I encouraged him to and set her in his arms, he held her for a moment and "accidentally" bumped her head into a wall as he walked past it and exclaimed "See?!". I don't think he did it maliciously. I think it was more that his mother babied him, kept him emotionally stunted and sheltered in reference to experiences so he lacked any self-confidence and self-sabotaged his relationship with her out of sheer laziness fostered by his mother. It doesn't justify it, but it does give understanding. So, once again, though living with a child's father I was single parenting.
He wanted to buy a house. Better than all the money going to rent, so I supported that decision. I did warn him, though, not to take out a mortage which required the highest payment the bank said he could make. I told him to make sure the payment would be no more than one week's pay. He didn't listen so into a big house we moved. It was a great house with a great yard and we really enjoyed it, but it did not last long. He couldn't make the bills. Instead of taking care of things or coming to me, he went to his mother. On his behalf she reemed me: "You need to get a job and help out!". Any job I could get would just barely cover daycare and travel expenses. And why should I be responsible for his refusal to respect my input and his poor decision? He left us in a foreclosed upon house infested with fleas, no money to bomb the place, provide for our needs, and slept in his jeep. I had to sell things to feed us.
I took the children to Montana for a little while and came back to give it a second chance after he had rented one half of a duplex. My oldest had began to act out. She had become a teen and overnight it seemed she was too much for me to handle. All my self confidence and self esteem had gone out the window when they took her sisters. I felt helpless but did not lay down the rules because that is what I used to do with my children and apparently that made me unfit as a parent, someone who would lose their children. She came back from Montana pregnant. So, I let her go. I let her do what she had to. I "honored her journey". New Age cop-out. To be honest, I was scared. Overwhelmed, I wrote a note for my husband stating I would from then on like to be called by a new name I felt I had been given and that on Saturdays I would like for him to take our daughter for two hours. Instead he took our daughters to his mothers every day it seemed. I was summoned to his mother's for a visit. There I was again reemed. "The only person I ever knew who changed their name did it because they were a criminal". Well, if I was a criminal trying to hide something, I certainly wouldn't have written in a letter the new name I'd be using. But I was already traumatized and overwhelmed, this woman's bullying definately got to me. Her son just sat there on the couch smirking as his mother expressed his own issues for him in an intimidating manner. he was apparently self-satisfied with his decision to let mommy do the bullying for him.
We received notice from the landlord that we had thirty days to move out. He had just purchased the building and wanted to make renovations. So, I bought camping equipment and headed out to live on land a neighbor was buying for me. We planned on moving a trailer in before winter. My husband whined that he would miss our daughter too much so he wanted her to stay with him. He promised he would bring her to visit. That never happened. Instead he had divorce papers served to the address from which we had just moved. He published the divorce announcement in a small local paper in a state different than the one in which I lived and then he moved with no forwarding address. When I finally caught up to him online, he refused to respond to any messages. I sent cards, letters and gifts to his place of employment until one was returned with a note that he no longer worked there. It wasn't until I finally did a search under his mother's name instead of just his that I found them. I called the number and his mother answered. I asked if they had received the mail I had sent to his former employer and she said, yes they got some of it. I finally got a letter from my daughter. I have heard nothing since.
Abusers come in every shape and form. They come in every class of society. Their techniques are varied, subtle as well as outright violent. Neglect is physical deprivation, physical abuse of the body. We suffered physically at the hands of this man. Emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse from him, even if mostly indirectly from his mother. He kidnapped my daughter but lawyers tell me not to mention that. Parental abduction is no longer a crime in this land, or is it just the Maine justice system? And this from those giving legal advice as domestic violence advocates! Go to court and be quiet....."keep it in the family". Betrayed by those supposed to be there to help. Condenscending mannerisms, psycological and emotionally repressive abuse from those who are supposed to help protect us from it. So why would I want to work with them? Why would I want them to counsel me? Once again, I am a woman who only knows she is alone in any stand she takes for the health and well-being of herself and her children, shut up in a room with two small children.
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