I had been suffering from a digestive issue, being dragged all over this country under duress was a stress I could attribute it to. So, when I finally fled and ended up in a shelter, I believed I would have no more worries, less stress, less tension and thus my stomach would get better. I was wrong, it got much worse. Why would this happen? It was given me to understand it was everything catching up with me. It would not be until a year later that I got the scientific explaination. A nurse practitioner told me we basically survive off adrenaline. When things calm down, adrenaline levels go down and so do the effects of it running through our system. Like a drug it holds off symptoms, gives us energy beyond our endurence, and numbs us to our pain. When it goes, so do it's affects: we begin to feel everything we've had surpressed. I cannot help but imagine what people in general go through when they get a quiet moment, why they do anything to distract themselves, keep the adrenaline going. We have been raised ot be adrenaline junkies. Exciting, entertaining television for children begins their learning, video games and movies take over from there. Gossip and drama in the school days, co-workers and families in adulthood to add to the stimulation. They feel great until it catches up with them and they are diagnosed with something deadly which could have been changed in it's earliest stages if it's symptoms were not masked by adrenaline.
And so I also realize why people would give up easily on the idea of retraining their brain. The moment they slow down enough to listen to themselves, the pain begins manifesting. Not many perceive a cause worthy of pushing past such pain to benefit themselves in the long run. "What is worth living for anyways?", they might think. The health of the brain determines the health of the body, the health of the brain determined by our thinking, which is heavily influenced by our emotions. Happy IS healthy, but it has to be true happiness, not surface imitation of it we feel for a moment when distracted by something we think we like or imagine.
Healing hurts. Whether it is the pain we initially feel when struggling to pull a sliver, the pain of piercing a boil, or even the simple itch of healing skin. Healing will be uncomfortable. For me, the pain and discomfort are worth it. But I understand, honor and respect why not everyone would choose it.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The Abortion- Lessons in intimdation
I will paint for you a picture. It is of a mother. She has shut herself in a room with her two children. She has a dresser pushed up against the door and a phone, not original to the room, in a corner just in case he breaks through. The mother never heard of domestic violence, shelters or hotlines. She didn't know what domestic violence even was.She had never been bloodied like the commercials about abuse, so she never associated it with herself, didn't feel she had anything to complain about. That is what her mother always told her. She was alone in everything, in every stand she would ever take, this was all she knew that day.
So there paces a mother with her two small children, shut up in a room, waiting. She hears the vehicle and door. She knows what is coming. And there it is, the six foot tall intimidating body of blind rage at the door pounding. He never did break through and he did leave the property. So what had fired up such a fury? They had been arguing. In an effort to distract herself from some inner calling to have a baby, the mother had begun to drown herself in researching supplements, homeopathy, etc. She had started taking higher doses of vitamin C, which she later learned had interfered with her body's ability to absorb the birth control pills she was taking. She ended up pregnant. She had no idea her partner absolutely never wanted any children so when they argued, she would tell him: well then you should have just had a vasectomy! The woman, tired of all the harrassment, had printed off and hung over the bed pictures of aborted fetuses. She felt if he was so dead set upon forcing this upon her, he damn well better face what he was asking. The man never did argue again with her after that incident. He went out and got himself that vasectamy. But what led up to the incident was not just an ornery woman, she was a woman pushed to her limits with undue influence, coercisive persuasion and threats. Her own mother calling and demanding she have an abortion because it was not fair to be forcing this on a man. Her mother always took the side of the men who abused her daughter, "What do you expect?!", she would say. According to her mother, the mother in our story was the worst evil ever visited upon any man. The Grammy calling with what were supposed to be loving, affectionate, convincing arguements such as "Well, look at me, even before the church said it was alright to use birth control, I started using it. You really should have an abortion". For the woman, it wasn't just about faith. It was not just about her feelings. They knew her story, they knew her reasons. She was basing her conviction upon experience. You see, she had had an abortion once already. During the proceedure, the doctor casually said to her: "This is going to take a moment, I have to get this tool(showed her tool) to crush it's head, it's getting stuck in the vaccuum". If one could hear the sheer scream of a soul in it's deepest state of pain, you would hear that scream from that momenmt unto this very day. They had lied to her. It was NOT just a lump of cells they were removing. They were killing her baby. A baby she would have loved and cherished despite it's inconvenience. Today that child would be 23. The mother imagines a son. His life saved that of his younger sister, however. For in his dying he gave the mother what she needed to stand up in the face of emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical violence to protect the life growing inside her.
And this hero of a mother, what ever became of her? Her daughter was stolen from her by the very man who wanted her dead to begin with. The mother recently had the opportunity and courage to confront this man about it. "Why did you never thank me for preserving the life of that child you will not share with me?". "It doesn't deserve it", his reply came easily. His daughter's very existence deserves no appreciation from him. He is not grateful to have her. She has no value to him and it shows in the way he treats her. His caring for her gets him approval and sympathy, attention and prestige. She is the knife he uses against her mother whom he hates with a passion because he cannot control her. His hatred is the poison he injects into that daughter so she will of her own perceived will strike out at her mother for him. "I made a mess of the kitchen and she will clean it all up when we get home", he says of and indirectly to his daughter. His slave, his housekeeper, his emotional pacifier who is not even worthy of his direct attention....the mother's baby daughter whose life she struggled for, who nursed at her breasts and clung to her leg until she was threatened with violence and led away by her sister.
This is what this mother wishes to deliver her child from. This is the cause for my request. This is not a matter of perception, this is what a trained eye will see the fact of. Any sense of protectiveness this man feels for his daughter is the same as any money hoarder protecting his investment, his property. They say you can tell an abuser by the way he treats his animals. This mother knows how this man treats his horses and other people. When in pain, his investments get nerves burnt so they will run anyways. And when they can no longer run, he burns them again so they won't limp while he sells them to the unsuspecting Amish. So, you gtell me, what would such a man be wiling to do to a daughter to keep his investment close to him so long as it's useful to him? And what will he do to her if that usefulness is threatened?
So there paces a mother with her two small children, shut up in a room, waiting. She hears the vehicle and door. She knows what is coming. And there it is, the six foot tall intimidating body of blind rage at the door pounding. He never did break through and he did leave the property. So what had fired up such a fury? They had been arguing. In an effort to distract herself from some inner calling to have a baby, the mother had begun to drown herself in researching supplements, homeopathy, etc. She had started taking higher doses of vitamin C, which she later learned had interfered with her body's ability to absorb the birth control pills she was taking. She ended up pregnant. She had no idea her partner absolutely never wanted any children so when they argued, she would tell him: well then you should have just had a vasectomy! The woman, tired of all the harrassment, had printed off and hung over the bed pictures of aborted fetuses. She felt if he was so dead set upon forcing this upon her, he damn well better face what he was asking. The man never did argue again with her after that incident. He went out and got himself that vasectamy. But what led up to the incident was not just an ornery woman, she was a woman pushed to her limits with undue influence, coercisive persuasion and threats. Her own mother calling and demanding she have an abortion because it was not fair to be forcing this on a man. Her mother always took the side of the men who abused her daughter, "What do you expect?!", she would say. According to her mother, the mother in our story was the worst evil ever visited upon any man. The Grammy calling with what were supposed to be loving, affectionate, convincing arguements such as "Well, look at me, even before the church said it was alright to use birth control, I started using it. You really should have an abortion". For the woman, it wasn't just about faith. It was not just about her feelings. They knew her story, they knew her reasons. She was basing her conviction upon experience. You see, she had had an abortion once already. During the proceedure, the doctor casually said to her: "This is going to take a moment, I have to get this tool(showed her tool) to crush it's head, it's getting stuck in the vaccuum". If one could hear the sheer scream of a soul in it's deepest state of pain, you would hear that scream from that momenmt unto this very day. They had lied to her. It was NOT just a lump of cells they were removing. They were killing her baby. A baby she would have loved and cherished despite it's inconvenience. Today that child would be 23. The mother imagines a son. His life saved that of his younger sister, however. For in his dying he gave the mother what she needed to stand up in the face of emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical violence to protect the life growing inside her.
And this hero of a mother, what ever became of her? Her daughter was stolen from her by the very man who wanted her dead to begin with. The mother recently had the opportunity and courage to confront this man about it. "Why did you never thank me for preserving the life of that child you will not share with me?". "It doesn't deserve it", his reply came easily. His daughter's very existence deserves no appreciation from him. He is not grateful to have her. She has no value to him and it shows in the way he treats her. His caring for her gets him approval and sympathy, attention and prestige. She is the knife he uses against her mother whom he hates with a passion because he cannot control her. His hatred is the poison he injects into that daughter so she will of her own perceived will strike out at her mother for him. "I made a mess of the kitchen and she will clean it all up when we get home", he says of and indirectly to his daughter. His slave, his housekeeper, his emotional pacifier who is not even worthy of his direct attention....the mother's baby daughter whose life she struggled for, who nursed at her breasts and clung to her leg until she was threatened with violence and led away by her sister.
This is what this mother wishes to deliver her child from. This is the cause for my request. This is not a matter of perception, this is what a trained eye will see the fact of. Any sense of protectiveness this man feels for his daughter is the same as any money hoarder protecting his investment, his property. They say you can tell an abuser by the way he treats his animals. This mother knows how this man treats his horses and other people. When in pain, his investments get nerves burnt so they will run anyways. And when they can no longer run, he burns them again so they won't limp while he sells them to the unsuspecting Amish. So, you gtell me, what would such a man be wiling to do to a daughter to keep his investment close to him so long as it's useful to him? And what will he do to her if that usefulness is threatened?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Retraining the brain
I grew up in a very negative environment. It seemed as a child every idea I had was met with "you can't because....." And so my brain became trained to respond to any idea with "you can't because" and it would then seek out ends to that sentence, even if it had made them up. This did not seem fantastical to me, because from my perspective that was what the adults were doing. A relatively simple deed required an overwhelming number of complications. And so was trained my thinking. This made me very negative and pessimistic. I recognized that about myself when I was in my thirties and wanted to change it. 'Change your thinking and you change your life', they say, 'we create our own reality'. So, knowing I was extremely negative, I consciously began to make the effort to think of the positive in absolutely everything; a person's best qualities, the good things to come from any situation experienced or proposed, the silver lining to every dark cloud. I engaged in only positive entertainment; TV, movies, news stories. I became a New Age junkie.
A friend called me one day when I was undergoing this self-prescribed process and began to tell me all about an interaction with her mother, full of complaints about it. I apologized and gently explained to her what I was trying to accomplish, so unless she had anything positive to share, I would have to end the conversation until another day. She got angry and hung up. A very long while later, a month or two maybe, she called me again. She told me she decided to do what I had been doing and that it really helped her.
I stopped solely focusing on the positive when I sensed my purpose was accomplished. Now my brain can travel thought paths of both positive and negative, allow in many more potentials, and not fall into constant depression due to repression. It is learning to only dismiss an idea if it is inappropriate or unrealistic.
Over the years I learned to observe my own thinking, to follow the pathways of my brain and come up with observations and questions that cause them to change, seek alternative routes/alternative potentials...explore the possibilities, avoiding extreme thinking. It is crazy delightful to notice a thought heading in a literal, physical direction and meet a dead end where once lived only dark cynicism, or where thoughts could only travel around the front to the point of a certain measure of happiness and potential...only to keep going into happier!
Another little trick I learned is to not let thoughts attach themselves to my emotions. I noticed I would begin to feel a feeling and my brain would begin to seek out an explanation for it. So, I decided to just breath through strong emotions as I let my mind rest. When the emotion had passed, I would ask myself, why was I so upset? If there is no valid explanation, I began to realize what I had heard somewhere was correct: we store up a lot of emotions, so that many which keep trying to come up are just resurfacing, trying again, old, from the past. Unless addressed and allowed to exist, acknowledged and accepted, they just keep getting triggered. And if we attach thoughts of our immediate environment to them, we simply compound the problem, bring it into the present and add to it's extent. I have noticed this usually happens in a cycle, a circular rainbow of positive to negative thinking and emotions constantly spinning and coming up to the surface until they are all healed, used appropriately: until they have reached maturity. I suspect it might even be a memory loop from the various stages of development: if traumatized at age three, that three year old inner child/patch of emotional and intellectual development keeps coming back until it is nurtured appropriately and reaches maturity. Just a personal theory. We have no problem accepting women have an emotional cycle, but I have observed it in men and then once in domestic violence circles you are introduced to the cycle of abuse/emotional cycle of an abuser. I think maybe the emotional cycle of an abuser is simply a loop caught up in extremes and thus more obvious than the one that might be in a more nurtured human being. Not unique, simply more pronounced.
One very empowering agent for change in my own thinking was taking a new name. Sure I was hiding from something: the derogatory tone I experienced in association with the saying of my name by certain people in certain tones which carried over to anyone who used my name with specific tones. If my name was said in an authoritative manner, I would immediately shrink emotionally into that fearful, intimidated child unable to think clearly, maturely. And abusers LOVE to use our name. They sense the amount of control they have over your emotions and thinking when they say your name pointedly or in a derogatory tone. It gives them power. A pointed tone before my name, always meant an argument or criticism was coming if not flat-out abusive language.
So how did I do this? For all the bashing people do about the evils of it, the internet can be a tool for restoring our brains and training ourselves for healthy interactions. Choose a strange place and a log-in name different than your own: an internet forum on a hot topic for you. Do not respond immediately. Observe, read, learn. Ask a question. You begin to see your new name used respectfully, affectionately. For me it was taking on a "pagan" name, so my online name came with me in person to meetups and social activities. People take on street names. People go from using a childhood nickname to their given and thus chosen "adult" name. Name yourself. Define yourself, choose who you want to be and "fake it 'til you make it". Eventually, when someone comes along and tries to use your new name abusively, you laugh at them within, "this person is a highly respected, dearly loved, extremely intelligent member of society and you're calling her stupid? What does that say about you?" You are empowered. And eventually, your brain and emotions are retrained to the point where the use of your childhood name in any tone becomes irrelevant, your name "untouchable" along with our emotions.
I have noticed as well that we hear often what we fear we'll hear, read what we fear or hear and read only what we want to hear or read into things. An abused mind lacks clear reading/receiving comprehension. This can be distressing. It often has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with presentation, environment in which it is expressed and how it is accepted/received. When still trapped in "you can't because" thinking, even if workable options were presented, I didn't hear them. Seriously, they passed right through me. My mind would lock right on to the only negative foreseeable consequence. "Ut! Can't do it, knew it!". Negative thinking actually brought relief from stress because it was not forcing my mind to go where it very literally couldn't! Woot, woot! New discovery for me as I'm writing. Love it when that happens!
So, back to receiving information. It is difficult to do at first, but preventing one's self from reacting to expression presented: someone else's opinion, feelings, perceptions, etc can be very difficult. Stopping ourselves from reacting is the first step to then opening our minds. Just stop and breath for 10 seconds. Next time wait a little longer and then longer. Eventually you stop feeling a need to respond to a lot of things and you begin to actually hear what is being said. When we are used to constant criticism and assault on our thinking processes, we start arguing in head with what we ASSUME someone is saying, about to say. We are expecting an argument so we create one that didn't have to happen. We've created our own reality, self-fulfilling prophesy: "women always argue with me", maybe it's because you always begin the argument in yourself before you even approach them and cannot hear anything else?
And we cannot assume tone: a doctor does not have to hate you to tell you that you area bout to die because you have cancer. It may be the last thing he/she wants to tell you. It is the same with people who may have observations about us. They do not want to hurt us. They are ridiculing us, calling us fat or stupid, they are just pointing out that if we want to stop perceiving ourselves that way, we might try something they have to say.
Something amazing happens as you go back and read old writings and internet interactions. You begin to see supportive thinking was there all along, you really did simply and quite literally never see it. You re-read books, watch old movies and get something entirely different out of them. People often report that about the bible, those who read it cover to cover independently. every time they read it, they find something new in it: a story that was not there the first time or an understanding of a word or phrase they didn't remember seeing previously. Having read several version from cover to cover, for me it became going from a literal interpretation to "oh, wow, this is all about me, my inner personal journey!" The bible became my story. I think that is why children can watch movies over and over again. Their relatively open minds pick up new things in it constantly, new perspectives from each character. They imitate it in play or interaction and then integrate what works for them in their environment.
I would not say I have the perfect brain, I am still discovering hitches. But I can honestly say, I know my own brain, I know my own thought processes and while I may not have an MRI handy, I know what it looks like from within, I know how it's working. I know it better than anyone else could and so I am the only one ultimately qualified to treat it, aside from it's Maker, who I know helps me do this.
A friend called me one day when I was undergoing this self-prescribed process and began to tell me all about an interaction with her mother, full of complaints about it. I apologized and gently explained to her what I was trying to accomplish, so unless she had anything positive to share, I would have to end the conversation until another day. She got angry and hung up. A very long while later, a month or two maybe, she called me again. She told me she decided to do what I had been doing and that it really helped her.
I stopped solely focusing on the positive when I sensed my purpose was accomplished. Now my brain can travel thought paths of both positive and negative, allow in many more potentials, and not fall into constant depression due to repression. It is learning to only dismiss an idea if it is inappropriate or unrealistic.
Over the years I learned to observe my own thinking, to follow the pathways of my brain and come up with observations and questions that cause them to change, seek alternative routes/alternative potentials...explore the possibilities, avoiding extreme thinking. It is crazy delightful to notice a thought heading in a literal, physical direction and meet a dead end where once lived only dark cynicism, or where thoughts could only travel around the front to the point of a certain measure of happiness and potential...only to keep going into happier!
Another little trick I learned is to not let thoughts attach themselves to my emotions. I noticed I would begin to feel a feeling and my brain would begin to seek out an explanation for it. So, I decided to just breath through strong emotions as I let my mind rest. When the emotion had passed, I would ask myself, why was I so upset? If there is no valid explanation, I began to realize what I had heard somewhere was correct: we store up a lot of emotions, so that many which keep trying to come up are just resurfacing, trying again, old, from the past. Unless addressed and allowed to exist, acknowledged and accepted, they just keep getting triggered. And if we attach thoughts of our immediate environment to them, we simply compound the problem, bring it into the present and add to it's extent. I have noticed this usually happens in a cycle, a circular rainbow of positive to negative thinking and emotions constantly spinning and coming up to the surface until they are all healed, used appropriately: until they have reached maturity. I suspect it might even be a memory loop from the various stages of development: if traumatized at age three, that three year old inner child/patch of emotional and intellectual development keeps coming back until it is nurtured appropriately and reaches maturity. Just a personal theory. We have no problem accepting women have an emotional cycle, but I have observed it in men and then once in domestic violence circles you are introduced to the cycle of abuse/emotional cycle of an abuser. I think maybe the emotional cycle of an abuser is simply a loop caught up in extremes and thus more obvious than the one that might be in a more nurtured human being. Not unique, simply more pronounced.
One very empowering agent for change in my own thinking was taking a new name. Sure I was hiding from something: the derogatory tone I experienced in association with the saying of my name by certain people in certain tones which carried over to anyone who used my name with specific tones. If my name was said in an authoritative manner, I would immediately shrink emotionally into that fearful, intimidated child unable to think clearly, maturely. And abusers LOVE to use our name. They sense the amount of control they have over your emotions and thinking when they say your name pointedly or in a derogatory tone. It gives them power. A pointed tone before my name, always meant an argument or criticism was coming if not flat-out abusive language.
So how did I do this? For all the bashing people do about the evils of it, the internet can be a tool for restoring our brains and training ourselves for healthy interactions. Choose a strange place and a log-in name different than your own: an internet forum on a hot topic for you. Do not respond immediately. Observe, read, learn. Ask a question. You begin to see your new name used respectfully, affectionately. For me it was taking on a "pagan" name, so my online name came with me in person to meetups and social activities. People take on street names. People go from using a childhood nickname to their given and thus chosen "adult" name. Name yourself. Define yourself, choose who you want to be and "fake it 'til you make it". Eventually, when someone comes along and tries to use your new name abusively, you laugh at them within, "this person is a highly respected, dearly loved, extremely intelligent member of society and you're calling her stupid? What does that say about you?" You are empowered. And eventually, your brain and emotions are retrained to the point where the use of your childhood name in any tone becomes irrelevant, your name "untouchable" along with our emotions.
I have noticed as well that we hear often what we fear we'll hear, read what we fear or hear and read only what we want to hear or read into things. An abused mind lacks clear reading/receiving comprehension. This can be distressing. It often has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with presentation, environment in which it is expressed and how it is accepted/received. When still trapped in "you can't because" thinking, even if workable options were presented, I didn't hear them. Seriously, they passed right through me. My mind would lock right on to the only negative foreseeable consequence. "Ut! Can't do it, knew it!". Negative thinking actually brought relief from stress because it was not forcing my mind to go where it very literally couldn't! Woot, woot! New discovery for me as I'm writing. Love it when that happens!
So, back to receiving information. It is difficult to do at first, but preventing one's self from reacting to expression presented: someone else's opinion, feelings, perceptions, etc can be very difficult. Stopping ourselves from reacting is the first step to then opening our minds. Just stop and breath for 10 seconds. Next time wait a little longer and then longer. Eventually you stop feeling a need to respond to a lot of things and you begin to actually hear what is being said. When we are used to constant criticism and assault on our thinking processes, we start arguing in head with what we ASSUME someone is saying, about to say. We are expecting an argument so we create one that didn't have to happen. We've created our own reality, self-fulfilling prophesy: "women always argue with me", maybe it's because you always begin the argument in yourself before you even approach them and cannot hear anything else?
And we cannot assume tone: a doctor does not have to hate you to tell you that you area bout to die because you have cancer. It may be the last thing he/she wants to tell you. It is the same with people who may have observations about us. They do not want to hurt us. They are ridiculing us, calling us fat or stupid, they are just pointing out that if we want to stop perceiving ourselves that way, we might try something they have to say.
Something amazing happens as you go back and read old writings and internet interactions. You begin to see supportive thinking was there all along, you really did simply and quite literally never see it. You re-read books, watch old movies and get something entirely different out of them. People often report that about the bible, those who read it cover to cover independently. every time they read it, they find something new in it: a story that was not there the first time or an understanding of a word or phrase they didn't remember seeing previously. Having read several version from cover to cover, for me it became going from a literal interpretation to "oh, wow, this is all about me, my inner personal journey!" The bible became my story. I think that is why children can watch movies over and over again. Their relatively open minds pick up new things in it constantly, new perspectives from each character. They imitate it in play or interaction and then integrate what works for them in their environment.
I would not say I have the perfect brain, I am still discovering hitches. But I can honestly say, I know my own brain, I know my own thought processes and while I may not have an MRI handy, I know what it looks like from within, I know how it's working. I know it better than anyone else could and so I am the only one ultimately qualified to treat it, aside from it's Maker, who I know helps me do this.
Mother seeking restitution
To whom it may concern;
I would like to share with you a picture. This is the picture of a mother with long, dark hair. She is standing on a covered porch with the arms of two young girls wrapped around her legs. Before her stands a large man with a gun on his hip. Behind him, two men in a vehicle watching and waiting like vultures circling for their turn at the kill. The large man says to the woman: "Convince those girls to get into the car or I will knock you down, hurting them, and tear them off your legs." The mother has just been threatened with violence. She is under duress, coercive persuasion and undue influence. "You are a human being you have a choice, you do not have to do this", she demands of him. "It's my job.", the large intimidating man says. "That's no excuse", she accuses. With no other option apparent, she tells the older of the two to help her sister to the car. That little girl is taking responsibility for two men incapable of taking responsibility for their own insecurities, a responsibility no child should carry. In the wake of this event, all are traumatized, not just mother and two daughters. No. An older sister is wracked with unneccesary guilt because at one point she wished her sisters weren't around. The guilt is a sign of her love and attachment to them. Then there are the siblings to come, three more born into circumstances no child should live in: a mother too traumatized to work and be fully present. This mother had to quit her job, unable to even read numbers on boxes she was supposed to be putting on a conveyor because the trauma effected her brain processing. This is dehumanizing for a woman with higher than average I.Q. Wracked with uncertainty and low self-esteem she lost her confidence in her parenting, making her weak and unstable (not as in unstable/erratic but as in not strong and sturdy as is needed in parenting). She subjected herself to even more dramatically abusive relationships than she had previously experienced because she felt she didn't have anything better coming. She gave up. She lived in filth. She became homeless. She lost all hope and lived like a criminal with no I.D. or residence because she feared the system that made and empowered her abusers, abusing her it's self. In her absence the courts ordered more child support for each week than is usually made by the average person with no formal education in Maine, child support determined based on a temporary position, hourly wages during the busy season. She did not care, she was a criminal anyway, she imagined.
But there is something different about this woman. She did not succomb to alcoholism or drug addiction, she turned to self-help books and spirituality. She wandered the country like a ghost in a shell of a body, hungry and haunting, hopeless and praying. She was in and out of domestic violence shelters and programs, reading her bible every day, begging for understanding: how and why did this all happen? She became relentless. She let no man tell her a thing. She knew what she needed. She began to make her own decisions. She received self-empowerment. And now she comes before you this day saying "Please help me, let them pay". And it is not a request for vengence. It isn't even a request for justice. It is not the pleading of a victim. It is a self-assured request for restitution for the personal injury incurred by her and her children to temporarily relieve their burdens so they can focus on healing from the PTSD they all suffer. She needs a personal injury lawyer who will work pro-bono unless he/she wins the case or else she needs donations so she can hire one. She presented the original restraining order that empowered the large man and cowards that hid behind him to a lawyer once who said it was without a doubt, absolutely illegally applied, however the lawyer herself was not certified(?) to work in the district otherwise she would love to have at that judge for doing such a thing. "I know I am justified. I know I am right. I only now have the courage and conviction, enough fortitude to apply them and see this through."
We can be reached by mail:
Detroit Village Neighborly
PO Box 154
Detroit, ME 04929
email:
morningstarcrystal@gmail.com
phone:
207-408-2016
Website:
http://detroitvillagegrandmashouse.blogspot.com/
From the mother:
In the family court system, an individual is not entitled to legal representation, with more on the line than their own freedom from abuse and extreme limitation but that of their children as well, a parent has less rights than a serial killer. When I received paperwork from attorneys with long lists of witnesses whose names I did not recognize, I knew I was out of my element, without timely legal representation and completely intimidated. There was no way I was going to subject myself to the further violence of verbal and emotional assault from people of authority and people whom I did not have the slightest clue about. The unspoken threat by every one of these people was traumatic. I don't care if the courts host people who face it every day and so why can't I? That is not the point, as mothers have always said "If your friends all jump off a cliff does that make it right?". Just because the courts claim victims daily does not make it right. By that train of thought, Hitler was right simply because of the sheer number of Jews, handicapped people, and religious adherents he killed daily, Muslim extremists are right for cutting off women's noses, do I make my point clearly?
And how many are imprisoned for non-payment of child support, hang themselves, go without driver's licenses to get to work to make the money to make the payments, roam the streets homeless all due to the child support system? And what kind of parent lays such a burden upon another and on their own children who have to go to school and report to friends "Oh, my dad? He's in jail". How embarrassing for that child! How shameful!
The number one killer of pregnant women in the U.S. is the man who got her that way. I suspect the fear of court orders and child support looming in their future because we all pretty much respect that most relationships don't last, might have something to do with it. And for those of us who want no part of forcing another parent into such a situation what right does the government have to force the matter "on their behalf"? A parent who wants any kind of assistance cannot get it unless they "turn over" the other parent. So, don't get public assistance, one might say. Excuse me, but when the human brain makes a decision, it imagines all the scenarios before choosing what it believes is appropriate. When we imagine a scenario, we imagine how it feels: we experience it emotionally. That emotional experience causes physical changes in the brain: literally brain damage. When that officer threatened to knock us to the ground, I experienced it emotionally and so did my children. It crippled our thinking, our reasoning abilities. That is but one traumatic event that effected my brain in this whole thing. It was an assault with responsibility held by the taxpayer who voted the judge in, who voted for the representatives who made the laws enabling the judge to enact such abuses with the stroke of a pen. Voting citiens ARE responsible. The least society can do is lend a bit of help in period of recovery from the bed society made for such women and children.
And what was my crime? I read a book explaining how to prevent our children from becoming victims of abuse. I defended my children before family and their fathers. I changed the rules of interaction, changing the order of things. They ridiculed me, ostracized me, bullied me for it. Realizing we needed a change of scenery to get away from our abusive families, I went to visit friends, found a job and sent notice that I had found a house in Ohio and would be moving in there. I was doing the right thing by my children absolutely. I followed the letter of the law completely. The fathers who never really gave them any quality care, affection or attention while we lived among them were suddenly offended and "had" to have those children for some reason.
And once they knocked me down in forcing me to hand over my children, they had the nerve to ask me to get their shoes. These men with plenty of money to hire lawyers and drive down to Ohio just to assault me and kidnap my children, couldn't just stop at Walmart and buy a pair? Rape me then expect me to make you dinner? Get some shoes yourself! I was too scattered, reeling from shock to go rummaging around the house only to be violated again with the intimidating cop's presence and coercive demands for footwear.. Just a couple days before three men from Ohio's court system had knocked on the door to let me know what they were trying to do from Maine, but assured me the restraining order could not be enforced in Ohio. I suspect some political strings were pulled through this whole thing. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under me! Bouts of anxiety, panic, expected sudden traumatic events........I was terrorized daily with the emotional memories of these instances.
If I have to set a precedent, I will. If I have to be the example and voice for traumatized children and parents across this nation, count me in. I finally realized something: if I could organize a convoy of over 100 vehicles for a girl and her horse after a shooting, why would I not be willing and able to do the same for my own children? And, if I ever want to start my own charity to help people, I must first help myself: "Unless you first help yourself, you cannot be of help to anyone else".
How did I get by each day? Just what was I thinking?
I did not want my children jerked back and forth in constant battle. I did not want them to have to develop split personalities, accommodating themselves to coping with living two separate lives between two extremely different mentalities. I had read in cult recovery books how children raised in high control groups/religions often displayed such characteristics. One of my exes would be raising my daughter as a Jehovah's Witness which is a high control group/religion while I had left them and was exploring a more free life experience. The other was materialistic, prestige and competition orientated, and politically connected as part of his family upbringing, very controlling.... all things I disdained. In this perspective, my heart and mind would be in agreement. It is better for the children. And so I started another life. I got married and had another child.
But on occasion my heart would rebel. She just wanted her children. She remembered holding them to her breast as she nursed them. She remembered dancing in the fields with them. She remembered doctoring them and soothing their crying, breaking up their fights and helping them pursue their interests. She remembered their cute little faces and cute little dresses. She would weep unbearably and the mind would entertain her and tempt her with images of extreme action: Bonnie without the Clyde, the woman refusing to submit to the system, being a victim to the controls her exes and courts would place upon her. Woman in nothing but war paint on the path of anger. She would be an example of freedom and independence! She would be something to inspire her daughters to break free.....they would hear the stories.....but my heart would not believe. My heart did not buy it. It called the mind a coward. She needed soothing. That's when I began my New Age addiction.
And when I entertained the belief I would never see them again nor would they ever think of me, hear of me, I comforted myself knowing that if God found me, a child alone in the wilderness amongst humanity, He could find them. He did not need any help from me. They did not need me. So I lived on knowing all I could ever do for them is pray for them and allow God to heal me. So, I let go of everything; my marriage, my 4th daughter, all material things. I let men have me, abandon and abuse me. The first got me pregnant and dumped me. The second held me captive, got me pregnant and hauled me all over the country. My mind was satisfied but my heart rebelled. It wanted freedom. That's when I became focused.
When I finally thought about returning to Maine, my heart hoped tentatively. My mind rebelled intellectually. Nothing good could come from this thing! I was only putting myself in danger of prison and losing the two children I had with me. But something in me told me "trust in the Lord"; trust in me. Being in such a state of conflict I still did nothing when I came back. I sat back and waited. Nothing happened. I sent cards, letters, trinkets to my girls, glad to be able to do even that small thing, but wondering. There was a promise within me, when would it happen? A year later now and it is finally happening. I am returning to a more mature version of the woman who left 10 years ago ready to reclaim her children. I was and am again a damn good mother. I know what is in their best interests. I know what is needed to heal them. I saw it happen in me.
In the end, I realize, too that in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, a big reason for me not sticking around Maine when I first followed my children back was because with every fiber of my being I wanted to kill those men. It was not a rage of anger. It was a cold, cool natural reaction: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. They had killed me intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, taking the life right out of me. The first reflex any of has upon being hit is to hit back. Because it is so natural, the only rage I felt was when I resisted this most natural, reasonable urge. It led to further frustration because under society's influence, I had to perceive my natural reaction as evil, while my brain, heart and soul didn't. There was no valid reason for me to resist it. But, because it is "bad", I resisted it. Because it would only have landed me in jail and my children to the foster care system or just other family members who would equally abuse them, I resisted. Instead I cried out within my soul to learn what it meant to be "a pool of silence", to be "a man of peace". Years later I finally understand I never TRULY wanted anyone dead, I just wanted them not to hurt me or my children. I wanted a sense of security that those who we are supposed to trust with meting out justice would. All I ever wanted was to be able to raise my children in peace and security. I learned that a man of peace is not against war, but knows when waging war is appropriate and how to justly wage that war when needed. Most of all I realized, a man of peace in a world that declares "if you are not with us, you're against us", has already had war declared upon them simply because they desire to be left out of other people's causes that are not justly initiated or fought. War in this world is unavoidable. Thus a person of peace is definitely going to be at war with the world. It is in HOW we wage this war we are rewarded.
Also, when choosing first to seek peace, I knew within my heart that such unimaginative, emotionally irresponsible, insecure, unmotivated men as these would not go far with my children. Somehow, I knew they would be right where I left them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny. People think they can imagine what I am feeling, not that I am saying my feelings are too deep that I can't imagine someone else could imagine what I am feeling. No, it is because relatively speaking, my emotions are subtle. That's what happens when your brain gets healthy; emotions are light, like a steady whisper, like water flowing effortlessly. So, anyways, here is my response to one who thinks I just need a shoulder to cry on:
You are very sweet, thank you. I know you can imagine how I might be feeling and that takes a heart of generosity to do. There comes a point, though, where one grows beyond where others can imagine that they are feeling because they are beyond the common human experience. And I don't mean in a "way out there" sense. I mean in a very grounded, "I know what needs doing, I know how to do it and I CAN do it", easy: "Would you like coffee or tea?", "Tea please". Emotionally it is that simple for me. No trauma or drama with it. No overwhelming emotions motivating me, no sense of helplessness, a simple acceptance of what needs doing, what I can be doing. "oh, I can do this today". In emergencies I have become the one everyone turns to, who always knows what to do, the one who is level-headed and not panicked. I do have a good friend, encouraging, supportive, thinks I'm brave when I am just doing what I need to be doing and living honestly from within.
I always laugh when I complain about a broken light fixture leaking water from the roof on a rainy day- a legitimate fire hazard- and the landlord says "I understand you're going through a hard time......" and never fixes it. Why do men assume a woman only requests change in circumstances because she's emotionally high? Probably because that is what it takes for most women to finally get the courage to express what she needs to for her own and her children's own safety and welfare. I am not that woman. a demand for a correction in my circumstances is common sense, a legitimate concern for the safety of my children. Women can have that. We can have conviction plain and simple, unemotional conviction.
I don't need more reassurance, comforting or anything of that nature. I need money. As if your co-worker comes and says: "I need a pen, got one?". I am rummaging around in my purse in need of a pen. That pen happens to be money.
And I know most women are thinking: "It'll blow over, she'll get through this" as women have "gotten through" throughout history, by exploding and then letting go, giving up on themselves, their children and never following through with significant action. They make threats. They wear themselves out with their emotions and thus have no endurance. I am not driven by emotions and so have the endurance to go the distance and take what I intend to it's needed conclusion. It's not a passing fancy. It's not an act of desperation. It is what is needed.
So, anyways. Thank you for reaching out. It means something. There is nothing to fix or make better here, however, except my financial situation. It'll come eventually.
I love you!
Oh, there is one thing anyone can always do for me: believe in me.
I would like to share with you a picture. This is the picture of a mother with long, dark hair. She is standing on a covered porch with the arms of two young girls wrapped around her legs. Before her stands a large man with a gun on his hip. Behind him, two men in a vehicle watching and waiting like vultures circling for their turn at the kill. The large man says to the woman: "Convince those girls to get into the car or I will knock you down, hurting them, and tear them off your legs." The mother has just been threatened with violence. She is under duress, coercive persuasion and undue influence. "You are a human being you have a choice, you do not have to do this", she demands of him. "It's my job.", the large intimidating man says. "That's no excuse", she accuses. With no other option apparent, she tells the older of the two to help her sister to the car. That little girl is taking responsibility for two men incapable of taking responsibility for their own insecurities, a responsibility no child should carry. In the wake of this event, all are traumatized, not just mother and two daughters. No. An older sister is wracked with unneccesary guilt because at one point she wished her sisters weren't around. The guilt is a sign of her love and attachment to them. Then there are the siblings to come, three more born into circumstances no child should live in: a mother too traumatized to work and be fully present. This mother had to quit her job, unable to even read numbers on boxes she was supposed to be putting on a conveyor because the trauma effected her brain processing. This is dehumanizing for a woman with higher than average I.Q. Wracked with uncertainty and low self-esteem she lost her confidence in her parenting, making her weak and unstable (not as in unstable/erratic but as in not strong and sturdy as is needed in parenting). She subjected herself to even more dramatically abusive relationships than she had previously experienced because she felt she didn't have anything better coming. She gave up. She lived in filth. She became homeless. She lost all hope and lived like a criminal with no I.D. or residence because she feared the system that made and empowered her abusers, abusing her it's self. In her absence the courts ordered more child support for each week than is usually made by the average person with no formal education in Maine, child support determined based on a temporary position, hourly wages during the busy season. She did not care, she was a criminal anyway, she imagined.
But there is something different about this woman. She did not succomb to alcoholism or drug addiction, she turned to self-help books and spirituality. She wandered the country like a ghost in a shell of a body, hungry and haunting, hopeless and praying. She was in and out of domestic violence shelters and programs, reading her bible every day, begging for understanding: how and why did this all happen? She became relentless. She let no man tell her a thing. She knew what she needed. She began to make her own decisions. She received self-empowerment. And now she comes before you this day saying "Please help me, let them pay". And it is not a request for vengence. It isn't even a request for justice. It is not the pleading of a victim. It is a self-assured request for restitution for the personal injury incurred by her and her children to temporarily relieve their burdens so they can focus on healing from the PTSD they all suffer. She needs a personal injury lawyer who will work pro-bono unless he/she wins the case or else she needs donations so she can hire one. She presented the original restraining order that empowered the large man and cowards that hid behind him to a lawyer once who said it was without a doubt, absolutely illegally applied, however the lawyer herself was not certified(?) to work in the district otherwise she would love to have at that judge for doing such a thing. "I know I am justified. I know I am right. I only now have the courage and conviction, enough fortitude to apply them and see this through."
We can be reached by mail:
Detroit Village Neighborly
PO Box 154
Detroit, ME 04929
email:
morningstarcrystal@gmail.com
phone:
207-408-2016
Website:
http://detroitvillagegrandmashouse.blogspot.com/
From the mother:
In the family court system, an individual is not entitled to legal representation, with more on the line than their own freedom from abuse and extreme limitation but that of their children as well, a parent has less rights than a serial killer. When I received paperwork from attorneys with long lists of witnesses whose names I did not recognize, I knew I was out of my element, without timely legal representation and completely intimidated. There was no way I was going to subject myself to the further violence of verbal and emotional assault from people of authority and people whom I did not have the slightest clue about. The unspoken threat by every one of these people was traumatic. I don't care if the courts host people who face it every day and so why can't I? That is not the point, as mothers have always said "If your friends all jump off a cliff does that make it right?". Just because the courts claim victims daily does not make it right. By that train of thought, Hitler was right simply because of the sheer number of Jews, handicapped people, and religious adherents he killed daily, Muslim extremists are right for cutting off women's noses, do I make my point clearly?
And how many are imprisoned for non-payment of child support, hang themselves, go without driver's licenses to get to work to make the money to make the payments, roam the streets homeless all due to the child support system? And what kind of parent lays such a burden upon another and on their own children who have to go to school and report to friends "Oh, my dad? He's in jail". How embarrassing for that child! How shameful!
The number one killer of pregnant women in the U.S. is the man who got her that way. I suspect the fear of court orders and child support looming in their future because we all pretty much respect that most relationships don't last, might have something to do with it. And for those of us who want no part of forcing another parent into such a situation what right does the government have to force the matter "on their behalf"? A parent who wants any kind of assistance cannot get it unless they "turn over" the other parent. So, don't get public assistance, one might say. Excuse me, but when the human brain makes a decision, it imagines all the scenarios before choosing what it believes is appropriate. When we imagine a scenario, we imagine how it feels: we experience it emotionally. That emotional experience causes physical changes in the brain: literally brain damage. When that officer threatened to knock us to the ground, I experienced it emotionally and so did my children. It crippled our thinking, our reasoning abilities. That is but one traumatic event that effected my brain in this whole thing. It was an assault with responsibility held by the taxpayer who voted the judge in, who voted for the representatives who made the laws enabling the judge to enact such abuses with the stroke of a pen. Voting citiens ARE responsible. The least society can do is lend a bit of help in period of recovery from the bed society made for such women and children.
And what was my crime? I read a book explaining how to prevent our children from becoming victims of abuse. I defended my children before family and their fathers. I changed the rules of interaction, changing the order of things. They ridiculed me, ostracized me, bullied me for it. Realizing we needed a change of scenery to get away from our abusive families, I went to visit friends, found a job and sent notice that I had found a house in Ohio and would be moving in there. I was doing the right thing by my children absolutely. I followed the letter of the law completely. The fathers who never really gave them any quality care, affection or attention while we lived among them were suddenly offended and "had" to have those children for some reason.
And once they knocked me down in forcing me to hand over my children, they had the nerve to ask me to get their shoes. These men with plenty of money to hire lawyers and drive down to Ohio just to assault me and kidnap my children, couldn't just stop at Walmart and buy a pair? Rape me then expect me to make you dinner? Get some shoes yourself! I was too scattered, reeling from shock to go rummaging around the house only to be violated again with the intimidating cop's presence and coercive demands for footwear.. Just a couple days before three men from Ohio's court system had knocked on the door to let me know what they were trying to do from Maine, but assured me the restraining order could not be enforced in Ohio. I suspect some political strings were pulled through this whole thing. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under me! Bouts of anxiety, panic, expected sudden traumatic events........I was terrorized daily with the emotional memories of these instances.
If I have to set a precedent, I will. If I have to be the example and voice for traumatized children and parents across this nation, count me in. I finally realized something: if I could organize a convoy of over 100 vehicles for a girl and her horse after a shooting, why would I not be willing and able to do the same for my own children? And, if I ever want to start my own charity to help people, I must first help myself: "Unless you first help yourself, you cannot be of help to anyone else".
How did I get by each day? Just what was I thinking?
I did not want my children jerked back and forth in constant battle. I did not want them to have to develop split personalities, accommodating themselves to coping with living two separate lives between two extremely different mentalities. I had read in cult recovery books how children raised in high control groups/religions often displayed such characteristics. One of my exes would be raising my daughter as a Jehovah's Witness which is a high control group/religion while I had left them and was exploring a more free life experience. The other was materialistic, prestige and competition orientated, and politically connected as part of his family upbringing, very controlling.... all things I disdained. In this perspective, my heart and mind would be in agreement. It is better for the children. And so I started another life. I got married and had another child.
But on occasion my heart would rebel. She just wanted her children. She remembered holding them to her breast as she nursed them. She remembered dancing in the fields with them. She remembered doctoring them and soothing their crying, breaking up their fights and helping them pursue their interests. She remembered their cute little faces and cute little dresses. She would weep unbearably and the mind would entertain her and tempt her with images of extreme action: Bonnie without the Clyde, the woman refusing to submit to the system, being a victim to the controls her exes and courts would place upon her. Woman in nothing but war paint on the path of anger. She would be an example of freedom and independence! She would be something to inspire her daughters to break free.....they would hear the stories.....but my heart would not believe. My heart did not buy it. It called the mind a coward. She needed soothing. That's when I began my New Age addiction.
And when I entertained the belief I would never see them again nor would they ever think of me, hear of me, I comforted myself knowing that if God found me, a child alone in the wilderness amongst humanity, He could find them. He did not need any help from me. They did not need me. So I lived on knowing all I could ever do for them is pray for them and allow God to heal me. So, I let go of everything; my marriage, my 4th daughter, all material things. I let men have me, abandon and abuse me. The first got me pregnant and dumped me. The second held me captive, got me pregnant and hauled me all over the country. My mind was satisfied but my heart rebelled. It wanted freedom. That's when I became focused.
When I finally thought about returning to Maine, my heart hoped tentatively. My mind rebelled intellectually. Nothing good could come from this thing! I was only putting myself in danger of prison and losing the two children I had with me. But something in me told me "trust in the Lord"; trust in me. Being in such a state of conflict I still did nothing when I came back. I sat back and waited. Nothing happened. I sent cards, letters, trinkets to my girls, glad to be able to do even that small thing, but wondering. There was a promise within me, when would it happen? A year later now and it is finally happening. I am returning to a more mature version of the woman who left 10 years ago ready to reclaim her children. I was and am again a damn good mother. I know what is in their best interests. I know what is needed to heal them. I saw it happen in me.
In the end, I realize, too that in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, a big reason for me not sticking around Maine when I first followed my children back was because with every fiber of my being I wanted to kill those men. It was not a rage of anger. It was a cold, cool natural reaction: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. They had killed me intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, taking the life right out of me. The first reflex any of has upon being hit is to hit back. Because it is so natural, the only rage I felt was when I resisted this most natural, reasonable urge. It led to further frustration because under society's influence, I had to perceive my natural reaction as evil, while my brain, heart and soul didn't. There was no valid reason for me to resist it. But, because it is "bad", I resisted it. Because it would only have landed me in jail and my children to the foster care system or just other family members who would equally abuse them, I resisted. Instead I cried out within my soul to learn what it meant to be "a pool of silence", to be "a man of peace". Years later I finally understand I never TRULY wanted anyone dead, I just wanted them not to hurt me or my children. I wanted a sense of security that those who we are supposed to trust with meting out justice would. All I ever wanted was to be able to raise my children in peace and security. I learned that a man of peace is not against war, but knows when waging war is appropriate and how to justly wage that war when needed. Most of all I realized, a man of peace in a world that declares "if you are not with us, you're against us", has already had war declared upon them simply because they desire to be left out of other people's causes that are not justly initiated or fought. War in this world is unavoidable. Thus a person of peace is definitely going to be at war with the world. It is in HOW we wage this war we are rewarded.
Also, when choosing first to seek peace, I knew within my heart that such unimaginative, emotionally irresponsible, insecure, unmotivated men as these would not go far with my children. Somehow, I knew they would be right where I left them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny. People think they can imagine what I am feeling, not that I am saying my feelings are too deep that I can't imagine someone else could imagine what I am feeling. No, it is because relatively speaking, my emotions are subtle. That's what happens when your brain gets healthy; emotions are light, like a steady whisper, like water flowing effortlessly. So, anyways, here is my response to one who thinks I just need a shoulder to cry on:
You are very sweet, thank you. I know you can imagine how I might be feeling and that takes a heart of generosity to do. There comes a point, though, where one grows beyond where others can imagine that they are feeling because they are beyond the common human experience. And I don't mean in a "way out there" sense. I mean in a very grounded, "I know what needs doing, I know how to do it and I CAN do it", easy: "Would you like coffee or tea?", "Tea please". Emotionally it is that simple for me. No trauma or drama with it. No overwhelming emotions motivating me, no sense of helplessness, a simple acceptance of what needs doing, what I can be doing. "oh, I can do this today". In emergencies I have become the one everyone turns to, who always knows what to do, the one who is level-headed and not panicked. I do have a good friend, encouraging, supportive, thinks I'm brave when I am just doing what I need to be doing and living honestly from within.
I always laugh when I complain about a broken light fixture leaking water from the roof on a rainy day- a legitimate fire hazard- and the landlord says "I understand you're going through a hard time......" and never fixes it. Why do men assume a woman only requests change in circumstances because she's emotionally high? Probably because that is what it takes for most women to finally get the courage to express what she needs to for her own and her children's own safety and welfare. I am not that woman. a demand for a correction in my circumstances is common sense, a legitimate concern for the safety of my children. Women can have that. We can have conviction plain and simple, unemotional conviction.
I don't need more reassurance, comforting or anything of that nature. I need money. As if your co-worker comes and says: "I need a pen, got one?". I am rummaging around in my purse in need of a pen. That pen happens to be money.
And I know most women are thinking: "It'll blow over, she'll get through this" as women have "gotten through" throughout history, by exploding and then letting go, giving up on themselves, their children and never following through with significant action. They make threats. They wear themselves out with their emotions and thus have no endurance. I am not driven by emotions and so have the endurance to go the distance and take what I intend to it's needed conclusion. It's not a passing fancy. It's not an act of desperation. It is what is needed.
So, anyways. Thank you for reaching out. It means something. There is nothing to fix or make better here, however, except my financial situation. It'll come eventually.
I love you!
Oh, there is one thing anyone can always do for me: believe in me.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Dry beans and rice
Homeschooling and Socialization:
The dry beans and rice of government rations
by Crystal Morningstar (aka Stacey Bourdeau)
One popular response to the sharing of the intention to engage in homeschooling is the assertion that a child needs "healthy socialization". That is a need that exists for people who do not have healthy inner social interactions going on within themselves. They project that need onto their own children as well as those they influence. This projection is an assault upon and crippling of a child's inner socialization, creating in them a need for healthier outside social interactions.
When healthy inner socialization is occuring within individuals, adult or children, outer social interactions become more of a life enriching and enhancing experience. an occassion for sharing their inner rejoicing. It becomes the candy to a steady diet of fresh fruits and vegetables homegrown in our gardens of a life lived self-sufficiently rather than the daily diet of dry beans and rice of government rations on which a bare-bones existence is occuring.
Being a foreign or forgotten experience to the majority, healthy inner socialization is simply not comprhended and therefore accepted as a possibility/option to many. They deny it's potential existence and feel it appropriate to force their need onto everyone else's children. In similar fashion, many of those experiencing healthy inner socialization cannot comprehend a need for outer socialization and strongly resist the assertion that there is a great need for it prevelant in society. They attack public schooling. I, and I am sure I am not alone, accept some people need the dry beans and rice of government rations while others only need the candy of a steady diet of fresh fruits and vegetables. Frankly, the idea of what would happen to us all should all those in need of government rations... and thus control... were suddenly let out of school is frightening. And equally frightening is the prospect of how destructive it would be to the fruit and vegetable crowd if they were forced to enroll their children, crippling any chance of society continuing to benefit from the few self-sufficient families out there inspiring others to self-sufficiency. Presently there is a need for both institutions, home and public schooling, in my opinion. And, of course, the intermediate options are vital to those undergoing transition.
The dry beans and rice of government rations
by Crystal Morningstar (aka Stacey Bourdeau)
One popular response to the sharing of the intention to engage in homeschooling is the assertion that a child needs "healthy socialization". That is a need that exists for people who do not have healthy inner social interactions going on within themselves. They project that need onto their own children as well as those they influence. This projection is an assault upon and crippling of a child's inner socialization, creating in them a need for healthier outside social interactions.
When healthy inner socialization is occuring within individuals, adult or children, outer social interactions become more of a life enriching and enhancing experience. an occassion for sharing their inner rejoicing. It becomes the candy to a steady diet of fresh fruits and vegetables homegrown in our gardens of a life lived self-sufficiently rather than the daily diet of dry beans and rice of government rations on which a bare-bones existence is occuring.
Being a foreign or forgotten experience to the majority, healthy inner socialization is simply not comprhended and therefore accepted as a possibility/option to many. They deny it's potential existence and feel it appropriate to force their need onto everyone else's children. In similar fashion, many of those experiencing healthy inner socialization cannot comprehend a need for outer socialization and strongly resist the assertion that there is a great need for it prevelant in society. They attack public schooling. I, and I am sure I am not alone, accept some people need the dry beans and rice of government rations while others only need the candy of a steady diet of fresh fruits and vegetables. Frankly, the idea of what would happen to us all should all those in need of government rations... and thus control... were suddenly let out of school is frightening. And equally frightening is the prospect of how destructive it would be to the fruit and vegetable crowd if they were forced to enroll their children, crippling any chance of society continuing to benefit from the few self-sufficient families out there inspiring others to self-sufficiency. Presently there is a need for both institutions, home and public schooling, in my opinion. And, of course, the intermediate options are vital to those undergoing transition.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The subtlies of an abusive society
What follows is my response to an email. The response inspired it's similar application of enlightenment to charities. Their subtle spiritual raping of those they are serving goes unacknowledged, invalidated to it's victims. This is why many prefer not to turn to them despite desperate circumstances or only in the case that their circumstances become too desperate. because it is always invalidated, people who refuse or leave quickly make excuses, sounding like liars. It is true that they are not speaking honestly, but it does not mean they are thieves, liars, abusers of the system like most would accuse/judge them. It is why people prefer street corners where giving and exchanges are clean. People give unconditionally. Exchanges are made freely.
Here's my email response:
It took me some time for the insight to this exchange to hit me. I will state it blankly.
Here's my email response:
It took me some time for the insight to this exchange to hit me. I will state it blankly.
I opened your response with reservation, fear of dissapointment and hope colliding within me. Self-recrimination at my apprent inner lack of appreciation. And then it came. I was offended appropriately.
In my post on CL to which you responded, "single mom in need of vehicle" was included. You knew damn well what I was "asking". Your email to me was an intentionally misleading exchange offering: you knew what I needed, asked for my story, I gave it. You did not hold up your end of the bargain. You robbed me. You robbed me of my inner story. You robbed me of my inner kingdom. You're a spiritual thief. You verify what I asserted: CL is nothing but a den of thieves and abusive agents.
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Recently I was given to reflect on a fond memory, that of my high school boyfriend. I always had that remembrence catagorized in my consciousness as a good one, of a good guy who I parted from due to insecurities, but good reason because he was off to college while I still had a year of high school. I figured he should be free. When I looked back upon it recently, however, I remember how the first time we had sex, I was a virgin, I cried because,as I told him, I wanted to wait for marriage. not to him, but to anybody, in general, on principle. I just thought it was an unrealistic expectation I had, so when he pushed I agreed. according to everyone else, I always had 'unrealistic expectations', especially of people. Now I can look back, without anger, resentment or a feeling of being violated but, seeing how unethical it was that he took advantage of me. What kind of young man would take a girl who is crying and clearly saying it was something she did not want to be doing? No, I didn't scream, but why should I need to? I was protesting. that should be enough for anybody. I become reluctant at even the hint of a hesitation in another's stance. their response doesn't even have to be verbal for me to respect their unwillingness. I am immediately repentent for propsing it and apologize for it.
And so I reminded myself of this example of this principle of subtly when I began to berate myself earlier this evening for "whining" about something. I was making excuses for why I should not be complaining about such subtleties. The line may be fine, but it is quite clear, actually. Unwilling is unwilling.
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I thought an exchange with my editor would fit in nicely with this topic:
Him:
One of my present roomies and close friend and colleague put in an app...cost us 50 bux! tonight. the placed is ready, just a matter if they think we make enough money and my credit isn't too bad*hahah*
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Recently I was given to reflect on a fond memory, that of my high school boyfriend. I always had that remembrence catagorized in my consciousness as a good one, of a good guy who I parted from due to insecurities, but good reason because he was off to college while I still had a year of high school. I figured he should be free. When I looked back upon it recently, however, I remember how the first time we had sex, I was a virgin, I cried because,as I told him, I wanted to wait for marriage. not to him, but to anybody, in general, on principle. I just thought it was an unrealistic expectation I had, so when he pushed I agreed. according to everyone else, I always had 'unrealistic expectations', especially of people. Now I can look back, without anger, resentment or a feeling of being violated but, seeing how unethical it was that he took advantage of me. What kind of young man would take a girl who is crying and clearly saying it was something she did not want to be doing? No, I didn't scream, but why should I need to? I was protesting. that should be enough for anybody. I become reluctant at even the hint of a hesitation in another's stance. their response doesn't even have to be verbal for me to respect their unwillingness. I am immediately repentent for propsing it and apologize for it.
And so I reminded myself of this example of this principle of subtly when I began to berate myself earlier this evening for "whining" about something. I was making excuses for why I should not be complaining about such subtleties. The line may be fine, but it is quite clear, actually. Unwilling is unwilling.
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I thought an exchange with my editor would fit in nicely with this topic:
Him:
One of my present roomies and close friend and colleague put in an app...cost us 50 bux! tonight. the placed is ready, just a matter if they think we make enough money and my credit isn't too bad*hahah*
Me:
$50 just to apply?!
wow.
I had no idea obtaining housing was THAT involved there in Davis.
Give me a tent any day, lol.
Him:
25 each, yeah...ans they keep taking apps until they are filled...which means they knowingly take app money even after there is going to be no room...
unethical, but “legal.”
Me:
Ah, the picture of a healthy society we all need to comform to in order to be considered "housable", "employable", "responsible", and "sane".
My commentary-
In the good ol' days, not so very long ago, one would see a 'for rent' sign or ad, meet the landlord, look at the place and if both parties were comfortable with oneanother, one became a tenant. You move in the next day. Nowadays, landlords must protect themselves from lawsuits and eviction processes involving court costs that give a tenant 90 days after an eviction notice. So, to get into an apartment one must pay first month, last month, security deposit and pass backround checks, credit checks, and citizenship checks. Apparently, application fees to compensate a landlord for this process are also required now. Just to feed a paranoia. And landlords can be beasts! They are as bad as anyone else when it comes to addictions and irresponsibility with money. They cut corners to cut costs and it costs tenants in living standards. Landlords don't feel a need to take care of things properly, having no qualms about demanding rent money despite such things as water, heat or any other utilities not working. they are lords of their land and make sure you live like a peasant.
A new-to-me perception hit me recently: when one pays a property own to provide maintained living quarters, the person paying the other for services is what we would call an employer. And we all know what employers can be like these days.....One should not be 'at the mercy' of a landlord (or an employer for that matter), but in our society this is how we are expected to believe it should be.
Next time we should try .this when aproaching a perspective landlord "I am here to consider paying you to provide me with a maintained living space. I would like to see if the space you are offering to provide is adequately maintained, suitable to my needs, and I would like to see your resume, qualifications and credentials as a landlord, please along with a copy of your credit report, backround check report, and citizenship papers". That'll turn up some noses, but it may be just the right ticket to a healthy living arrangement.
My commentary-
In the good ol' days, not so very long ago, one would see a 'for rent' sign or ad, meet the landlord, look at the place and if both parties were comfortable with oneanother, one became a tenant. You move in the next day. Nowadays, landlords must protect themselves from lawsuits and eviction processes involving court costs that give a tenant 90 days after an eviction notice. So, to get into an apartment one must pay first month, last month, security deposit and pass backround checks, credit checks, and citizenship checks. Apparently, application fees to compensate a landlord for this process are also required now. Just to feed a paranoia. And landlords can be beasts! They are as bad as anyone else when it comes to addictions and irresponsibility with money. They cut corners to cut costs and it costs tenants in living standards. Landlords don't feel a need to take care of things properly, having no qualms about demanding rent money despite such things as water, heat or any other utilities not working. they are lords of their land and make sure you live like a peasant.
A new-to-me perception hit me recently: when one pays a property own to provide maintained living quarters, the person paying the other for services is what we would call an employer. And we all know what employers can be like these days.....One should not be 'at the mercy' of a landlord (or an employer for that matter), but in our society this is how we are expected to believe it should be.
Next time we should try .this when aproaching a perspective landlord "I am here to consider paying you to provide me with a maintained living space. I would like to see if the space you are offering to provide is adequately maintained, suitable to my needs, and I would like to see your resume, qualifications and credentials as a landlord, please along with a copy of your credit report, backround check report, and citizenship papers". That'll turn up some noses, but it may be just the right ticket to a healthy living arrangement.
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