Let's teach people how to be their own advocates!
Why not be on the forefront?
In interacting with various advocates for domestic violence in Maine, I have noticed there is a dinstinct fear of "calling a horse a horse and a cow a cow". Nobody wants to sound too intense, to not sound politicaly correct enough. I know this: coddle the bullies and you only empower them. They become bigger buillies. Plain speech making a direct and vivid point is mature, responsible and effective. Only the truth will set you free and you don't dilute the light of it under a basket in whispers and gentle speech. That would be dishonest and misleading. They don't go after man-eating lions with feathers. We can teach people how to be assertive without being overbearing, aggressive and thus abusive as we address this man-eater consuming our communities.
When a person escapes a domestic violence situation it is usualy only because they are desperate. All their coping mechanisms are overloaded and resources are gone. Whomever is abusing them has used up all the resources: money, foodstamps, belongings. They need help with everything. In the case of this writer, she didn't have ID, birth certificates, social security proofs, etc. In one of Maine's shelters they provided ample food and the building was comfortable, however she had to fend for herself concerning diapers, transportation and everything else. She had no money. She ended up returning to her abuser simply so her daughter could have diapers. The organization running the shelter did host group counseling, etc, however it was in a different building and for this mother who had no vehicle, they were out of her reach because the organization didn't provide rides. She felt abandoned by staff being left in that building with strange women equally traumatized, limited in resources and therefore keeping more to themselves.
In shelters in other states, the women are given gift cards to Walmart and rides there to get what they need. They throw a baby showers for pregnant women. They make sure everyone has holiday gifts, etc. Rides were provided for group therapy, etc. Many shelters have advocates in shelter 24/7, group therapy, individual counseling, financial advice classes, parenting classes, etc. in shelter each day and required attendence, and are programs with designated lengths of stay. Some go so far as require no outside contact for up to a month as the women are nurtured and helped to retrain their unhealthy ways of thinkingwhich make them prone to victimization. This takes alot of resources, resources not available in most Maine communities and that is why it is so important the people themselves are informed and thus equiped to make their own homes such safe houses fo rthemselves and their families.
This writer had called for assistence with a court order and was so put off by the condescenidng tone and abusive mannerisms of the court advocate here in Maine, she simply went through it without their help. She knew more about the process than the advocate. One is not really fit to advocate effectively for victims of domestic violence if they themselves can't recognize and haven't corrected their own abusive tendencies. No one knows what is truly involved in the court process unless they have had to do it for themselves by themselves. We need to teach people about the laws that can protect them and orders available so they are not intimidated by the legal system.
I think the general public is confused about abuse simply because of over-sensative political correctness that discourages honest, open, direct speech and "zero tolerence" policies applied to justify punishing appropriately applied force and frankness. This confusion leaves the door open to corruption as authority figures and people of influence can manipulate policies and laws to suit their wishes. This is where honest, direct speech would be helpful. With the clarity of it, there can be no arguement about what is what.
Violent crime, bullying, homelessness, crime, domestic violence, etc are all on the rise. This is evidence of a traumatized society becoming even more and more traumatized, passing it to generation after generation, only increasing in it's numbers as it spreads like a disease. Aggression and hostility are the norm. Abusers raise abusers and women who have been abused are more likely to abuse other women. People who have been abused are more likely to do drugs, steal and commit violent crime. The number one cause of death of pregnant women in the United States is the man who got her pregnant. Dysfunction in relationships is rampant. The confusion about what constitutes abuse and what is appropriate discipline leaves parents in fear of child protective services, making them ineffective parents of frustrated children not getting the security of the guidence they need and thus becoming abusive towards their parents.
I remember when my youngest daughter was watching a movie with her dad after I told her dad it was not a good idea to watch it with her in the room. A man fell out of an airplane when someone suddenly pulled a hidden lever. My daughter screamed and jumped. She had just been terrorized. Scientific research shows she had just received a shock to her brain that stunted it's developement. Instead of respecting it the next time I firmly asserted he not watch the movie when she was in the room, his reply was: she needs to get used to it. You can't shelter her and let her be a coward. These are the facts: when a person is conditioned to accept violence in their environment, that means a part of their brain has shut down it's developement in self-defense. Their fear receptors have shut off. The result is mental retardation/dysfunctional thinking. The result is lack of awareness of threats and dangers to their well-being. Experiencing fear does not make one a coward. It makes them cognizent. Our children are conditioned by violence in all forms of entertainment, interpersonal interactions, advertising, every aspect of our way of life if not "sheltered" from it. And the brain never stops developing, so even once fully matured, it can be set back in it's state with one single incident. Even we adults should be guarding our minds, "sheltering" ourselves. It is amazing how quickly a once traumatized brain fully healed can return to it's traumatized state simply by watching television and listening to the average conversations around them.
As you can see, this is a physical effect. Like a muscle needing exercise, it takes time and practice to re-route the neuropathways of the brain that determine how we think and respond to our environments. That is why classes in school with homework would be helpful in the schools.
Much of the problem with those who have experienced trauma and domestic violence in any of it's forms of any degree is that they are far more likely to perceive domestic violence as normal. They may be aware that they are uncomfortable with something but they can't explain it, do not have the words to express it and are afraid to object to it. They need to know how to express their discomfort. They are also more likely not to have healthy boundaries or have difficulty asserting themselves in having them respected. Even if invited to, a person is absolutely wrong in crossing healthy boundaries. So, here are some helpful, clearly stated definitions many might find difficult to accept:
Play wrestling, rough-housing is practiced intimidation and violence. It is thus intimidation and violence.
Abusive speech is not OK if it is "just kidding". Abusive speech is abusive speech.
A "Friendly pat on the butt" is an uninvited touching of "private parts". Uninvited touching of private areas is sexual assault.
ANY attempt to influence another person's decisions is manipulation. It is an attempt to control another person/restrain them or violate them.
To minimize another person's concerns, to dismiss them as simply ebing "emotional" is to be condenscending and an abuse of their emotions and intelligence. Emotions are vital to our survival.
No means no. "But" is an arguement and an attempt to force that no to become a yes. Coercive persuation and undue influence are terms for domestic violence in this form. Psycological force, by attempting to use reason to change a person's mind is violence to one's psychology thus psychological abuse.
Victims of domestic violence are more likely to minimize anything done to them in an effort to distance themselves from it, thus accusations of being overly dramatic about one's emotional response to something are not likely to be accurate and are only emotionally abusive. Victims of domestic violence will not only minimize, but pretend to forget, deny, actually forget, practice avoidence of a topic, and any other number of head games on themselves and thus other people just to distance themselves from the pain of recollection. Charecterization of themselves is one coping mechanism I have witnessed in children: they start talking like cartoon charectors, like utilizing themselves as puppets to express themselves because they are afraid to express their true selves. They take on an "alternate personality". This is not to be confused to children in play pretending to be a super hero or something.
Intentionally startling people is an abusive technique some employ as "play". It is not like the gentle "peek-a-boo" of parents with young children, but the intentional frightening of others with "Boo!". They are controlling your emotional state and thus state of mind. Other controlling behaviors employed as just play or entertainment are comedians who get laughs by ridiculing others and magicians making themselves "in the know", having "higher knowledge" using deceipt/trick of the hand to control their audience's state of mind and self-image. One may say that is being over-sensative or taking it too far, however as a sort of spiritual advisor to some such entertainers, they will claim a sort of spiritual high in having attention focused on them and taking the people's emotions on a ride. They are referred to as spiritual and emotional vampires.
Pie in the face play/slapstick comedy is definately unhealthy. Fortunately the entertainment of the past generation is no longer employed, but unfortunately it has been replaced with verbal pie in the face/slapstick comedy in sitcoms.
And while this one is going to meet with alot of resistence due to it's prevelence and longevity in mankind's history, it's involvement considered healthy activity, I will share with you one fact: Super Bowl season is the busiest season for domestic violence shelters, programs and hotlines. Physical competition is establishment of physical superiority is physical violence. Period. Degrading cheers to get crowds wound up against opposing team members is verbal abuse girls are encouraged to engage in and you wonder why bullying is so common? Parents encourage it! If someone thinks a drug addict high on drugs and beating on children is worthy of prison, how about crowds of parents doped up on adrenaline encouraging adrenaline doped up children to beat their competition? Draws up images of dog fights, cock-fighting and every other intentionally competition of otherwise helpless and defenseless living souls. If it's not good enough for your dog, why is it so good for your child? There is plenty of physical activity a child can engage in that doesn't require competiveness. Retrain your athletic couches to be domestic violence counselors and you will absolutely have safer schools and communities. Now THAT would be a true zero tolerance policy.
I will add more as it comes to me.....
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bullying.........the voices of our children.........
This topic was driven home to my heart recently as a young one so very dear to my heart, like my own daughter, came home from school upset by her experiences with being bullied. She had enough and couldn't take the idea of having to go back to school the next day. She experienced sexual harassment, sexual assault in the form of having her butt grabbed, emotional abuse with name calling, psychological abuse of friends' betrayals, and so on. Here I hope to let their voices be heard when they are ready to share their stories.
Days later I realize we won't be hearing from our local teens. As with anyone abused, they distance themselves from the issue. Sure, they'll pass alone a Facebook posting against it, but they aren't really feeling it in the same way teens will become activists against drugs but still be doing them. It is why they will sign contracts committing themselves to abstinence while dating, having sex and having babies. There is a disconnect, a detachment from everything else and their actual experience. They live in two different worlds: a virtual world in which public opinion, parents and adults live in alongside their actual reality made of up of friends and real events they personally feel.
When I wondered what it must be like for these children in the hallways at school each day, it triggered a memory of one time when I left class to go to the bathroom. I had to go down a back stairwell. On my way back to class a large male classmate was about to go down the stairs. Upon spotting me, he knocked me to the floor and began sexually assaulting me. I pushed him off and continued on back to class. It never occurred to me to tell anyone. I wondered why it never occurred to me. The big question is why do we not tell adults, parents, teachers, etc? Because it never occurs to us. Why does it never occur to us? Because adults are not constants in our lives. Our peers are and how much we tell them depends on whether or not we feel accepted by our peers.
If we think about it from a child's perspective, we can begin to see how this is so. In the morning we are rushed off by parents into the custody of a bus driver where we socialize with peers. The bus driver rushes us into the custody of the first teacher of the day while we are socializing with peers. From one class to another, thus one teacher to another, one adult to another all the while socializing with peers every chance we get. Back to the bus driver, on to a coach or home where there may or may not be parents, but always peers and maybe siblings. This began at a very early age when mom passed us off to daycare, preschool, kindergarten. Siblings to some extent and peers become a child's ONLY constant. They exist in a different psychological world, isolated and alone. They are given no other choice by parents who force them to go even when they don't want to. So children learn at a very young age that they are not allowed to say "no" to force. A child does not have to be "abused" to become alienated from parents, trustworthy adults, authority figures, etc. They do not know they can trust them, turn to them, ask for help. But their peers are always there, talking to them, sharing with them and thus proving that this is where one can talk, share, tell, etc. It is why children take things into their own hands or huddle together helplessly believing they cannot complain, say "no", etc.
And then along comes an adult who tells them they CAN tell. They CAN be heard. They WILL be protected from such abuses and for a moment they hope, get motivated, etc but then they back down. They would be leaving the world of their peer group, the only world they have ever known. This is terrifying. So, they escape back into it and back into silence.
Days later I realize we won't be hearing from our local teens. As with anyone abused, they distance themselves from the issue. Sure, they'll pass alone a Facebook posting against it, but they aren't really feeling it in the same way teens will become activists against drugs but still be doing them. It is why they will sign contracts committing themselves to abstinence while dating, having sex and having babies. There is a disconnect, a detachment from everything else and their actual experience. They live in two different worlds: a virtual world in which public opinion, parents and adults live in alongside their actual reality made of up of friends and real events they personally feel.
When I wondered what it must be like for these children in the hallways at school each day, it triggered a memory of one time when I left class to go to the bathroom. I had to go down a back stairwell. On my way back to class a large male classmate was about to go down the stairs. Upon spotting me, he knocked me to the floor and began sexually assaulting me. I pushed him off and continued on back to class. It never occurred to me to tell anyone. I wondered why it never occurred to me. The big question is why do we not tell adults, parents, teachers, etc? Because it never occurs to us. Why does it never occur to us? Because adults are not constants in our lives. Our peers are and how much we tell them depends on whether or not we feel accepted by our peers.
If we think about it from a child's perspective, we can begin to see how this is so. In the morning we are rushed off by parents into the custody of a bus driver where we socialize with peers. The bus driver rushes us into the custody of the first teacher of the day while we are socializing with peers. From one class to another, thus one teacher to another, one adult to another all the while socializing with peers every chance we get. Back to the bus driver, on to a coach or home where there may or may not be parents, but always peers and maybe siblings. This began at a very early age when mom passed us off to daycare, preschool, kindergarten. Siblings to some extent and peers become a child's ONLY constant. They exist in a different psychological world, isolated and alone. They are given no other choice by parents who force them to go even when they don't want to. So children learn at a very young age that they are not allowed to say "no" to force. A child does not have to be "abused" to become alienated from parents, trustworthy adults, authority figures, etc. They do not know they can trust them, turn to them, ask for help. But their peers are always there, talking to them, sharing with them and thus proving that this is where one can talk, share, tell, etc. It is why children take things into their own hands or huddle together helplessly believing they cannot complain, say "no", etc.
And then along comes an adult who tells them they CAN tell. They CAN be heard. They WILL be protected from such abuses and for a moment they hope, get motivated, etc but then they back down. They would be leaving the world of their peer group, the only world they have ever known. This is terrifying. So, they escape back into it and back into silence.
Acceptence
The pain we deny and hold in, hold onto, becomes the wall preventing the love we feel from being reflected in our words and actions.-from within me
I am discovering that the more I accept and allow, the more I acknowledge everything about myself, how I have felt, and what I experienced from those I have had relationships with, the more I can accept, allow and acknowledge about them completely. So, the good memories become happier and the bad no sweat. I am allowing them to be fully human and to see the love, too. I don't have to glorify or idealize them while secretly hating them. I don't have to hate them while others sanctify them. I can love them and simply acknowledge they were injured children, too. Within me I forget without losing my memory or good senses. Just like the parent who doesn't want to, but disciplines the child anyways because they know it is best for them, I can still hold people responsible for their actions while truly loving them.
The bible says "Lay your sins bare before your brother...." and "if your brother sins against you, bring the matter to him". When confronted quickly, there is no repression and infection. But if we have to "bring witnesses" because that person has resisted acknowledging their ills and we allow it to sit, it does become infected. We end up letting it sit when we're prevented from addressing it by outside forces that we have accepted and integrated within us. Without acknowledgement, healing can't even begin. So, it begins within us and then expressed without. The bible didn't say to stop and accept injustice, it described steps to make it more and more public. And like the widow whose plea was finally responded to by the non-caring judge simply because he knew he would tire of her constantly coming before him, the bible encourages persistence.
I am discovering that the more I accept and allow, the more I acknowledge everything about myself, how I have felt, and what I experienced from those I have had relationships with, the more I can accept, allow and acknowledge about them completely. So, the good memories become happier and the bad no sweat. I am allowing them to be fully human and to see the love, too. I don't have to glorify or idealize them while secretly hating them. I don't have to hate them while others sanctify them. I can love them and simply acknowledge they were injured children, too. Within me I forget without losing my memory or good senses. Just like the parent who doesn't want to, but disciplines the child anyways because they know it is best for them, I can still hold people responsible for their actions while truly loving them.
The bible says "Lay your sins bare before your brother...." and "if your brother sins against you, bring the matter to him". When confronted quickly, there is no repression and infection. But if we have to "bring witnesses" because that person has resisted acknowledging their ills and we allow it to sit, it does become infected. We end up letting it sit when we're prevented from addressing it by outside forces that we have accepted and integrated within us. Without acknowledgement, healing can't even begin. So, it begins within us and then expressed without. The bible didn't say to stop and accept injustice, it described steps to make it more and more public. And like the widow whose plea was finally responded to by the non-caring judge simply because he knew he would tire of her constantly coming before him, the bible encourages persistence.
A parent with courage
When my youngest daughter scratched her bugbite with dirty hands, it got infected. She was in so much pain she didn't want to sit. She cried out "Don't touch it!" when I tried to push out the infection. I cried with her, but I held her still while I squeezed it all out. She found relief and healed up well. Now I face a daughter with an emotional wound grown infected. "Don't come near me!" she cries out. I will cry with her, but I WILL hold her still with visitation and I WILL force that infection out with confrontation, God willing. So she can find relief and heal up well. It's what a parent with courage is willing to go through for their children. The gun such a parent carries is persistence and endurance, loaded with love and compassion, truth and conviction. I love my children and I AM just such a parent. I am a mother with gun loaded who has come for her children.
You don't speak ill of the dead
It is said you leave the past behind you if you want to get ahead. You certainly do not speak ill of the dead. Otherwise, you just need a friend and shoulder to cry on. Research has shown, and I have found, that if it is not expressed, the past lives within you and holds you back. Every time it comes up and you repress it, it traumatizes the brain, gets stored in the body and brings you to an earlier grave. A friend who can empathize is a gift we only give ourselves when WE can give compassion to ourselves, when we have chosen to express and heal, to allow our mental and emotional being to mature fully. And that is why in the past I have met with resistance: I don't let the past keep me down. I own it, I express it, I drag it out by it's furry tail like the ugly ugly beast it is, hold it up and shine a light on it so I can become clean and give opportunity to others to give themselves the same thing: sanity, grace, relief. That does not make me ugly. So I will tell you the story.
She was a normal giddy girl brought home on time from the school dance. Her boyfriend, friend, and friend's boyfriend of the day walked in with her. Noticing he was passed out drunk on the sofa in nothing but his underwear, the teen is embarrassed and about to whisper to her friends to leave. With super-human speed, the man was over and around furniture, the teen lifted off her feet and flying into one wall after another. Her friends watched stupefied, frozen. At a break in the flying, the teen whispers to her friends to wait out back for her. She runs up to the second floor into the room she shares with her cousin and locks the door behind her. She doesn't know why her cousin had come to live with her father, but she had missed her. She had missed all her cousins. But she didn't dwell on it. She opened the window and looked down. In the falling snow, her boyfriend and friends waited below. She told her boyfriend to catch her and she leapt from that second story window.
She returned to the room the next day to get her things when she knew he would be working. When she got to the room she could not believe her eyes and was terrified of what could have happened to her had she stayed. The door had been busted open and the room trashed as if ransacked by a gorilla. So why had she chosen to come stay with him?
She was just an average girl playing, not noticing the clothes had been brought off the line and lay on the bed folded and waiting. But she heard her mother yelling, we had failed to put away our clothes. So, she grabbed her pile and headed for her room, but not fast enough. Before she knew it, a hand was full of her hair and her head was being slammed into a wall, but she damn well knew better than to drop those clothes. Holding onto them like a fragile treasure, she kept them clean and safe while she was assaulted. It's just another gauntlet she would have to endure before she could get back to playing, she consoled herself.
So why wouldn't she call the police, complain to someone? No one who witnessed it ever did. And there's another rule sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken, but clearly told to her when her brother got in trouble: "You need to come to court and tell them it was a mistake for you to call the police. It was a family matter and should have been kept in the family." I'm a rule breaker. I refused. Today I wonder if a court would even buy such a thing? I would hope not, for all our sakes and the sake of the children out there who might be at their mercy.
And, in light of all this, why WOULDN"T such a girl grow up, bear children and drag them through her abusive relationships with her? At least to her knowledge and while under her protection, not a single one of her children suffered anything like it. And compared to such an upbringing, she could easily reason it away and exist in denial: these men she had chosen really weren't that bad to her.
But there is a whole world out there that moves such mountains as a court that would buy it. There is a whole world out there that would never look the other way and allow this to happen to children. There is a whole world out there that would change laws and policies, there are teachers who would report it, there are big hearts who would help such a mother. And, God willing, this mother is going to bring that world and those hearts here for the sake of her children. She will do it openly as a light to others who want the same for themselves and their own children.
She was a normal giddy girl brought home on time from the school dance. Her boyfriend, friend, and friend's boyfriend of the day walked in with her. Noticing he was passed out drunk on the sofa in nothing but his underwear, the teen is embarrassed and about to whisper to her friends to leave. With super-human speed, the man was over and around furniture, the teen lifted off her feet and flying into one wall after another. Her friends watched stupefied, frozen. At a break in the flying, the teen whispers to her friends to wait out back for her. She runs up to the second floor into the room she shares with her cousin and locks the door behind her. She doesn't know why her cousin had come to live with her father, but she had missed her. She had missed all her cousins. But she didn't dwell on it. She opened the window and looked down. In the falling snow, her boyfriend and friends waited below. She told her boyfriend to catch her and she leapt from that second story window.
She returned to the room the next day to get her things when she knew he would be working. When she got to the room she could not believe her eyes and was terrified of what could have happened to her had she stayed. The door had been busted open and the room trashed as if ransacked by a gorilla. So why had she chosen to come stay with him?
She was just an average girl playing, not noticing the clothes had been brought off the line and lay on the bed folded and waiting. But she heard her mother yelling, we had failed to put away our clothes. So, she grabbed her pile and headed for her room, but not fast enough. Before she knew it, a hand was full of her hair and her head was being slammed into a wall, but she damn well knew better than to drop those clothes. Holding onto them like a fragile treasure, she kept them clean and safe while she was assaulted. It's just another gauntlet she would have to endure before she could get back to playing, she consoled herself.
So why wouldn't she call the police, complain to someone? No one who witnessed it ever did. And there's another rule sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken, but clearly told to her when her brother got in trouble: "You need to come to court and tell them it was a mistake for you to call the police. It was a family matter and should have been kept in the family." I'm a rule breaker. I refused. Today I wonder if a court would even buy such a thing? I would hope not, for all our sakes and the sake of the children out there who might be at their mercy.
And, in light of all this, why WOULDN"T such a girl grow up, bear children and drag them through her abusive relationships with her? At least to her knowledge and while under her protection, not a single one of her children suffered anything like it. And compared to such an upbringing, she could easily reason it away and exist in denial: these men she had chosen really weren't that bad to her.
But there is a whole world out there that moves such mountains as a court that would buy it. There is a whole world out there that would never look the other way and allow this to happen to children. There is a whole world out there that would change laws and policies, there are teachers who would report it, there are big hearts who would help such a mother. And, God willing, this mother is going to bring that world and those hearts here for the sake of her children. She will do it openly as a light to others who want the same for themselves and their own children.
Momma's Boy
I began with the good ol' boy, gave in to the trailer trash who became a Jehovah's Witness, thought I would be moving up in the world with an accountant, and thought I would give the quiet blue-collar guy a chance. Before I'd agree to marry him, he had to agree I could be a stay-at-home mother. And he did. We had a beautiful daughter who was named for the victory I experienced at overcoming fear of not being able to give my heart to another child after suffering the loss of daughters number two and three. Wow, did I love her. She went everywhere with me. I nursed her, slept with her, carried her in a back carrier when chicken farm sitting. We made playground equipment out of furniture inside when it was winter, we painted and colored. Going through my New Age period, she was by my side and in my lap as I led groups in guided meditations. Our existence was serene with her father a quiet ghost lingering on the outskirts.
He never contributed anything. He refused to hold her. When I encouraged him to and set her in his arms, he held her for a moment and "accidentally" bumped her head into a wall as he walked past it and exclaimed "See?!". I don't think he did it maliciously. I think it was more that his mother babied him, kept him emotionally stunted and sheltered in reference to experiences so he lacked any self-confidence and self-sabotaged his relationship with her out of sheer laziness fostered by his mother. It doesn't justify it, but it does give understanding. So, once again, though living with a child's father I was single parenting.
He wanted to buy a house. Better than all the money going to rent, so I supported that decision. I did warn him, though, not to take out a mortage which required the highest payment the bank said he could make. I told him to make sure the payment would be no more than one week's pay. He didn't listen so into a big house we moved. It was a great house with a great yard and we really enjoyed it, but it did not last long. He couldn't make the bills. Instead of taking care of things or coming to me, he went to his mother. On his behalf she reemed me: "You need to get a job and help out!". Any job I could get would just barely cover daycare and travel expenses. And why should I be responsible for his refusal to respect my input and his poor decision? He left us in a foreclosed upon house infested with fleas, no money to bomb the place, provide for our needs, and slept in his jeep. I had to sell things to feed us.
I took the children to Montana for a little while and came back to give it a second chance after he had rented one half of a duplex. My oldest had began to act out. She had become a teen and overnight it seemed she was too much for me to handle. All my self confidence and self esteem had gone out the window when they took her sisters. I felt helpless but did not lay down the rules because that is what I used to do with my children and apparently that made me unfit as a parent, someone who would lose their children. She came back from Montana pregnant. So, I let her go. I let her do what she had to. I "honored her journey". New Age cop-out. To be honest, I was scared. Overwhelmed, I wrote a note for my husband stating I would from then on like to be called by a new name I felt I had been given and that on Saturdays I would like for him to take our daughter for two hours. Instead he took our daughters to his mothers every day it seemed. I was summoned to his mother's for a visit. There I was again reemed. "The only person I ever knew who changed their name did it because they were a criminal". Well, if I was a criminal trying to hide something, I certainly wouldn't have written in a letter the new name I'd be using. But I was already traumatized and overwhelmed, this woman's bullying definately got to me. Her son just sat there on the couch smirking as his mother expressed his own issues for him in an intimidating manner. he was apparently self-satisfied with his decision to let mommy do the bullying for him.
We received notice from the landlord that we had thirty days to move out. He had just purchased the building and wanted to make renovations. So, I bought camping equipment and headed out to live on land a neighbor was buying for me. We planned on moving a trailer in before winter. My husband whined that he would miss our daughter too much so he wanted her to stay with him. He promised he would bring her to visit. That never happened. Instead he had divorce papers served to the address from which we had just moved. He published the divorce announcement in a small local paper in a state different than the one in which I lived and then he moved with no forwarding address. When I finally caught up to him online, he refused to respond to any messages. I sent cards, letters and gifts to his place of employment until one was returned with a note that he no longer worked there. It wasn't until I finally did a search under his mother's name instead of just his that I found them. I called the number and his mother answered. I asked if they had received the mail I had sent to his former employer and she said, yes they got some of it. I finally got a letter from my daughter. I have heard nothing since.
Abusers come in every shape and form. They come in every class of society. Their techniques are varied, subtle as well as outright violent. Neglect is physical deprivation, physical abuse of the body. We suffered physically at the hands of this man. Emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse from him, even if mostly indirectly from his mother. He kidnapped my daughter but lawyers tell me not to mention that. Parental abduction is no longer a crime in this land, or is it just the Maine justice system? And this from those giving legal advice as domestic violence advocates! Go to court and be quiet....."keep it in the family". Betrayed by those supposed to be there to help. Condenscending mannerisms, psycological and emotionally repressive abuse from those who are supposed to help protect us from it. So why would I want to work with them? Why would I want them to counsel me? Once again, I am a woman who only knows she is alone in any stand she takes for the health and well-being of herself and her children, shut up in a room with two small children.
He never contributed anything. He refused to hold her. When I encouraged him to and set her in his arms, he held her for a moment and "accidentally" bumped her head into a wall as he walked past it and exclaimed "See?!". I don't think he did it maliciously. I think it was more that his mother babied him, kept him emotionally stunted and sheltered in reference to experiences so he lacked any self-confidence and self-sabotaged his relationship with her out of sheer laziness fostered by his mother. It doesn't justify it, but it does give understanding. So, once again, though living with a child's father I was single parenting.
He wanted to buy a house. Better than all the money going to rent, so I supported that decision. I did warn him, though, not to take out a mortage which required the highest payment the bank said he could make. I told him to make sure the payment would be no more than one week's pay. He didn't listen so into a big house we moved. It was a great house with a great yard and we really enjoyed it, but it did not last long. He couldn't make the bills. Instead of taking care of things or coming to me, he went to his mother. On his behalf she reemed me: "You need to get a job and help out!". Any job I could get would just barely cover daycare and travel expenses. And why should I be responsible for his refusal to respect my input and his poor decision? He left us in a foreclosed upon house infested with fleas, no money to bomb the place, provide for our needs, and slept in his jeep. I had to sell things to feed us.
I took the children to Montana for a little while and came back to give it a second chance after he had rented one half of a duplex. My oldest had began to act out. She had become a teen and overnight it seemed she was too much for me to handle. All my self confidence and self esteem had gone out the window when they took her sisters. I felt helpless but did not lay down the rules because that is what I used to do with my children and apparently that made me unfit as a parent, someone who would lose their children. She came back from Montana pregnant. So, I let her go. I let her do what she had to. I "honored her journey". New Age cop-out. To be honest, I was scared. Overwhelmed, I wrote a note for my husband stating I would from then on like to be called by a new name I felt I had been given and that on Saturdays I would like for him to take our daughter for two hours. Instead he took our daughters to his mothers every day it seemed. I was summoned to his mother's for a visit. There I was again reemed. "The only person I ever knew who changed their name did it because they were a criminal". Well, if I was a criminal trying to hide something, I certainly wouldn't have written in a letter the new name I'd be using. But I was already traumatized and overwhelmed, this woman's bullying definately got to me. Her son just sat there on the couch smirking as his mother expressed his own issues for him in an intimidating manner. he was apparently self-satisfied with his decision to let mommy do the bullying for him.
We received notice from the landlord that we had thirty days to move out. He had just purchased the building and wanted to make renovations. So, I bought camping equipment and headed out to live on land a neighbor was buying for me. We planned on moving a trailer in before winter. My husband whined that he would miss our daughter too much so he wanted her to stay with him. He promised he would bring her to visit. That never happened. Instead he had divorce papers served to the address from which we had just moved. He published the divorce announcement in a small local paper in a state different than the one in which I lived and then he moved with no forwarding address. When I finally caught up to him online, he refused to respond to any messages. I sent cards, letters and gifts to his place of employment until one was returned with a note that he no longer worked there. It wasn't until I finally did a search under his mother's name instead of just his that I found them. I called the number and his mother answered. I asked if they had received the mail I had sent to his former employer and she said, yes they got some of it. I finally got a letter from my daughter. I have heard nothing since.
Abusers come in every shape and form. They come in every class of society. Their techniques are varied, subtle as well as outright violent. Neglect is physical deprivation, physical abuse of the body. We suffered physically at the hands of this man. Emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse from him, even if mostly indirectly from his mother. He kidnapped my daughter but lawyers tell me not to mention that. Parental abduction is no longer a crime in this land, or is it just the Maine justice system? And this from those giving legal advice as domestic violence advocates! Go to court and be quiet....."keep it in the family". Betrayed by those supposed to be there to help. Condenscending mannerisms, psycological and emotionally repressive abuse from those who are supposed to help protect us from it. So why would I want to work with them? Why would I want them to counsel me? Once again, I am a woman who only knows she is alone in any stand she takes for the health and well-being of herself and her children, shut up in a room with two small children.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
TrailerTrash turned Religious Adherent- what spiritual abuse can look like
There I sat, for a moment confused and utterly embarrassed. My husband was standing over me after rising huffily from his seat and shaking his head at me disdainfully in front of the entire congregation. I hadn't done or said a single thing. I had just been sitting in the meeting listening. This was entirely out of the blue, unprovoked. After we left the meeting I asked him frankly: "You did that on purpose to make it look like I had done something to make you angry and make everybody think I was not being a good, submissive woman." He answered honestly and proudly "Yes, I did". He knew I could not talk to the congregation in defense of myself, I had asked to be disfellowshipped, which meant I was shunned and not spoken to. He knew my being reinstated was dependent upon my behavior. By keeping me alienated from them, he kept me alienated from all my friends and spiritual family while he received all their support and adulation. This is how this manipulative man recruits people to assault an otherwise defenseless woman. What would he do to a child to get her to be submissive? This is the man raising my other daughter in that religion. The daughter who was stolen by the intimidating threats made by a police officer to do her violence. The child who, at five years old had to lead away her sister to save her from those same threats of violence. She was the second child in the room hiding behind the door braced shut with a dresser.
This husband was just a very young man who had pressured me relentlessly to be with him. I didn't even really like him, though I loved everyone and anyone. I had compassion for him, but wasn't romantically head over heals for him. He lived in the trailer park I did and had an abusive mother. I could empathize with him. He was just constantly coming over. He'd try to be helpful, but his ideas of being playful like throwing snowballs at me, wrestling me to the ground, etc was a complete turn off and reminded me of my father who was not only physically abusive but used such opportunities at "play" with us children to fondle my budding breasts and "accidentally" grab my private areas. But, I needed a disfellowshiping offense and for that offense to be "immorality" so I could get divorced from the abusive Jehovah's Witness husband and so the elders would be willing to disfellowship me as I requested of them. The boy wanted it, the boy eventually wore me down and got it. He hadn't had any young women his own age ever interested in him until they found out about me. An older woman's involvement piqued their interest, made them rethink him, and suddenly he was cocky and domineering towards me. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to just leave telling him I had an abortion, but I had a guilty conscience about it all. I'm not good with lying. I wasn't good with condemning a newborn child and my oldest daughter to everlasting death just because I couldn't handle things. So, I chose to make things right, as I understood them: you marry so your child is not "illegitimate" and you return to "The Truth". And that is how it was that I ended up with this abusive young man standing over me as husband making me look bad in front of the entire congregation.
And what of this religion my daughter is being raised in? They had been my family. When I discovered my husband was abusive, I went to them, the elders who I had trusted and confided in for years. One of them is head of a family I lived with. "We're sorry, we cannot speak with you without your husband present". What a betrayal! So, of course we were called before them, me and my husband. He dominated the conversation, which according to them is only appropriate. He lied through his teeth and made ridiculous accusations of me. I had no defense. I had to "be in subjection". It was after that I asked to be disfellowshiped. Now I regret them. My daughter is being raised by them to be a submissive little woman, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically battered and broken. When she was two years old and would come home from visitation with her father, she would trip over a tree root and cry out "Satan is trying to kill me using the tree!" and if arguing with her older sister, "Satan is trying to kill me using (my sister)". I spent the beginning of every week "deprogramming" my daughter from the weekend's worth of fear she was indoctrinated with. And it's not just about Satan using trees and siblings to kill her. As one who is disfellowshipped, she is taught to seek out no reason to speak to me. She is to only interact with me if truly necessary. And even worse than that; now that I am speaking out against them, she is being instructed to view me as the worst kind of evil, absolutely irredeemable and she is not to speak to me under any circumstances what so ever. She is homeschooled so no one outside of the "family" would know if anything bad were happening to her. I am a big proponent of homeschooling, but in her case, not by these people. From her father's treatment of me, I know he very well could be physically abusive, but there is no way I would know it. He does not answer any of my communications and had stopped answering the phone when I called for her. No one outside "The Truth" would know.
So, again, why did I try to get reinstated, go back to them? Same reasons anyone goes back to an abuser. Research has shown that statistically, a woman will return to her abuser, on average, seven times before she either leaves him for good or is killed by him. I may not have returned to one man seven times or more, but my return to abusive relationships, whether they be one man or a series of abusive men and one religion, is not crazier than any other person all things considered. In the case of the religion, it was concern for the salvation of my children rather than any concern for myself: I was a lost cause in my opinion, but at least, I thought, I could save my children by raising them in "The Truth". But I am not alone nor are the Jehovah's Witnesses the only abusive religion. There are thousands out there. Visit a forum for Cult Recovery and the list of groups is endless. Even the little church in front of my house worships it's "Preacher" and declares it's self the only true church. They are Apostolic Pentecostals, considered a 'mainstream' religion. They are just at a lesser degree of abusiveness than those commonly called cults.
I have a funny little story about that church in front of my house. I attended their services. The preacher's wife was away and he stood at that podium degrading her and his congregation's efforts to make him comfortable while she was away. "She made me dinners and banana bread to feed me while she's gone. The women are bringing me meals. Preacher don't need no dinners! Preacher can take care of himself: I'd rather just grab a sandwich. Preacher don't need no women!" and on another occasion "I ain't gonna come to your house for dinner! Preacher can't keep an eye on his flock if he has his head in the trough! I don't socialize with my congregation!". The whole time he is making these statements, the whole front row is laughing, clapping, nodding their heads and shouting "Amen! You tell it!" That is one technique I am all too familiar with. A man wants to degrade a woman, her cooking is not good enough for him. She makes a nice meal, he turns his nose up and makes himself a sandwich. After one man doing this to me, I stopped cooking for him completely. I would cook for the children. He would come in, say "What?! None for me?" and then eat the children's dinner.
And the women in that congregation always look like they are run ragged. They believe the scripture that says "Let him that does not work not eat". It is talking about 'the worker being worthy of his wages', which is preaching the Kingdom. But this congregation takes it literally so their women all work, many still also homeschooling their children, and take care of their families and church business. "Preacher's" wife counsels/holds bible studies with/ most likely reproves the other women so they do the same as she and of all of them, she looks the most worn out, constantly looking frazzled and run ragged. Which is a shame, because she is a vibrant, dedicated woman with many admirable qualities and no shortage of insight into her own inner development. She is trying.
They have found that the highest ratio of percentage of people to groups of people on personality altering medications is found amongst high-control groups like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You find within them the most traumatized and physically ill people as well. Spiritual abuse is no less traumatic than physical, in my opinion and the statistics appear to prove it. That is where my daughter is, being raised to live amongst, be abused by and become one of them.
But what more can we expect from anyone, any organization that tells you that you're unfit, not good enough, or are a sinner, that you need them because you can't take care of yourself or for your redemption and to give them your money for your own benefit or salvation in the form of tithing or donation as a form of sacred service, a privilege, a sign of commitment....."proof" that you love them/God.
Those who truly love us see us, know us and have no need for us to prove anything to them for they know the truth of who we are. And who we are to them, is up to them to choose.
This husband was just a very young man who had pressured me relentlessly to be with him. I didn't even really like him, though I loved everyone and anyone. I had compassion for him, but wasn't romantically head over heals for him. He lived in the trailer park I did and had an abusive mother. I could empathize with him. He was just constantly coming over. He'd try to be helpful, but his ideas of being playful like throwing snowballs at me, wrestling me to the ground, etc was a complete turn off and reminded me of my father who was not only physically abusive but used such opportunities at "play" with us children to fondle my budding breasts and "accidentally" grab my private areas. But, I needed a disfellowshiping offense and for that offense to be "immorality" so I could get divorced from the abusive Jehovah's Witness husband and so the elders would be willing to disfellowship me as I requested of them. The boy wanted it, the boy eventually wore me down and got it. He hadn't had any young women his own age ever interested in him until they found out about me. An older woman's involvement piqued their interest, made them rethink him, and suddenly he was cocky and domineering towards me. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to just leave telling him I had an abortion, but I had a guilty conscience about it all. I'm not good with lying. I wasn't good with condemning a newborn child and my oldest daughter to everlasting death just because I couldn't handle things. So, I chose to make things right, as I understood them: you marry so your child is not "illegitimate" and you return to "The Truth". And that is how it was that I ended up with this abusive young man standing over me as husband making me look bad in front of the entire congregation.
And what of this religion my daughter is being raised in? They had been my family. When I discovered my husband was abusive, I went to them, the elders who I had trusted and confided in for years. One of them is head of a family I lived with. "We're sorry, we cannot speak with you without your husband present". What a betrayal! So, of course we were called before them, me and my husband. He dominated the conversation, which according to them is only appropriate. He lied through his teeth and made ridiculous accusations of me. I had no defense. I had to "be in subjection". It was after that I asked to be disfellowshiped. Now I regret them. My daughter is being raised by them to be a submissive little woman, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically battered and broken. When she was two years old and would come home from visitation with her father, she would trip over a tree root and cry out "Satan is trying to kill me using the tree!" and if arguing with her older sister, "Satan is trying to kill me using (my sister)". I spent the beginning of every week "deprogramming" my daughter from the weekend's worth of fear she was indoctrinated with. And it's not just about Satan using trees and siblings to kill her. As one who is disfellowshipped, she is taught to seek out no reason to speak to me. She is to only interact with me if truly necessary. And even worse than that; now that I am speaking out against them, she is being instructed to view me as the worst kind of evil, absolutely irredeemable and she is not to speak to me under any circumstances what so ever. She is homeschooled so no one outside of the "family" would know if anything bad were happening to her. I am a big proponent of homeschooling, but in her case, not by these people. From her father's treatment of me, I know he very well could be physically abusive, but there is no way I would know it. He does not answer any of my communications and had stopped answering the phone when I called for her. No one outside "The Truth" would know.
So, again, why did I try to get reinstated, go back to them? Same reasons anyone goes back to an abuser. Research has shown that statistically, a woman will return to her abuser, on average, seven times before she either leaves him for good or is killed by him. I may not have returned to one man seven times or more, but my return to abusive relationships, whether they be one man or a series of abusive men and one religion, is not crazier than any other person all things considered. In the case of the religion, it was concern for the salvation of my children rather than any concern for myself: I was a lost cause in my opinion, but at least, I thought, I could save my children by raising them in "The Truth". But I am not alone nor are the Jehovah's Witnesses the only abusive religion. There are thousands out there. Visit a forum for Cult Recovery and the list of groups is endless. Even the little church in front of my house worships it's "Preacher" and declares it's self the only true church. They are Apostolic Pentecostals, considered a 'mainstream' religion. They are just at a lesser degree of abusiveness than those commonly called cults.
I have a funny little story about that church in front of my house. I attended their services. The preacher's wife was away and he stood at that podium degrading her and his congregation's efforts to make him comfortable while she was away. "She made me dinners and banana bread to feed me while she's gone. The women are bringing me meals. Preacher don't need no dinners! Preacher can take care of himself: I'd rather just grab a sandwich. Preacher don't need no women!" and on another occasion "I ain't gonna come to your house for dinner! Preacher can't keep an eye on his flock if he has his head in the trough! I don't socialize with my congregation!". The whole time he is making these statements, the whole front row is laughing, clapping, nodding their heads and shouting "Amen! You tell it!" That is one technique I am all too familiar with. A man wants to degrade a woman, her cooking is not good enough for him. She makes a nice meal, he turns his nose up and makes himself a sandwich. After one man doing this to me, I stopped cooking for him completely. I would cook for the children. He would come in, say "What?! None for me?" and then eat the children's dinner.
And the women in that congregation always look like they are run ragged. They believe the scripture that says "Let him that does not work not eat". It is talking about 'the worker being worthy of his wages', which is preaching the Kingdom. But this congregation takes it literally so their women all work, many still also homeschooling their children, and take care of their families and church business. "Preacher's" wife counsels/holds bible studies with/ most likely reproves the other women so they do the same as she and of all of them, she looks the most worn out, constantly looking frazzled and run ragged. Which is a shame, because she is a vibrant, dedicated woman with many admirable qualities and no shortage of insight into her own inner development. She is trying.
They have found that the highest ratio of percentage of people to groups of people on personality altering medications is found amongst high-control groups like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You find within them the most traumatized and physically ill people as well. Spiritual abuse is no less traumatic than physical, in my opinion and the statistics appear to prove it. That is where my daughter is, being raised to live amongst, be abused by and become one of them.
But what more can we expect from anyone, any organization that tells you that you're unfit, not good enough, or are a sinner, that you need them because you can't take care of yourself or for your redemption and to give them your money for your own benefit or salvation in the form of tithing or donation as a form of sacred service, a privilege, a sign of commitment....."proof" that you love them/God.
Those who truly love us see us, know us and have no need for us to prove anything to them for they know the truth of who we are. And who we are to them, is up to them to choose.
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