Book Review: Hungry Ghosts
Chapter 1
By God's magenta Flame
"There is a world beyond, but to them it's largely inaccessible. It fears and rejects them and they, in turn, do not understand it's rules and cannot survive in it." writes Gabor Mate, M.D. in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". It is the way I feel. It is what I have in common with the homeless and addicts. I know the rules, I just cannot remember to sleep with one eye open. When I do, it's too exhausting. "Doing what I need to do" to "keep the peace" and thus keep a job, home and social connections going is impossible for me, fraudulent and dishonest. I cannot live in that society more than temporarily. My coping mechanism? Spirituality. Self-reflection. Honest expression; whether it be love, anguish, hurt or anger at unrighteousness. I like the feeling of release, a load lightening. I cannot resist it. If I try, it bottles up and comes out explosively, inappropriately, and self-destructively. When I don't repress it, it displeases people. It makes them uncomfortable. They shut me out, make my life difficult so I will quit. But I wonder how many are considered functional who actually just deaden themselves long enough to make it through the work week and then explode on weekends with binge drinking, movies, entertainment, shopping sprees, tattoes, etc. Are they any more functional than we? I know they notice the same things as me because once in a while one will pop up in defense of me. Then I wonder who is it really who makes up the rules for society we find so difficult to live by? Is it not those whose power and money place them above the rules, those who do not have to live by them?
Dr. Gabor Mate's book is a stimulating read for me because he is similarly self-reflective. His book is based upon the answers he has seen in such questions. He is honest enough to see himself in 'less fortunate people'.He is honest enough to admit that more than once in a while he has seen enough of it. I have to admit much the same. It's easier to close my eyes to the obvious inner workings of other people for a little while. It is that or completely withdraw from society. Because withdrawing means being unable to maintain property, I throw it away completely. I have left behind houses, vehicles, animals, etc. I don't have a trust fund to cover the costs of mainting it for me when I need to withdraw. That is the only difference between "them" and me. I don't have a supportive family to help carry the load when it gets too heavy, though they are more than happy to relieve me of things like children. Shoot, why would a child need a mother? They have institutions, daycares, foster parents, etc that will make them products of a system where they can learn to deaden themselves and become 'functional', too.
Dr. Mate works at establishments that house the otherwise unhousable unconditionally. To most that is a foreign concept. To many it is offensive. Some might call it irresponsible. At these establishments, getting free from addictions is encouraged and supported, but not a requirement. It is not based on hopelessness concerning these people. It is simply acceptence of the harsh reality that most won't be able to free themselves. Those who maintain it clean up the bloody messes, treat the pestilences and serve the meals. They don't close the kitchen because someone didn't do their own dishes. They do the dishes for them. For those who CAN heal, I wonder if just such an environment that makes it possible. I had noticed that about myself. My leaps of growth occur when I am not trying to follow a bunch of rules and am free of obligations forcing me out of the home to make money. I highly doubt it is realistic to think a life marred by abuse can be rectified by a few weeks of forced sobriety and forced 'responsibility'. So overloaded by unreasonable demands, the slightest bit of 'responsibility' becomes too much for an abused person to handle. We need peace, freedom from expectation, and to made of us very few demands. Many might respond with: "you don't deserve it" or "we don't get it so why should you?". Did I deserve 40 years of abuse? Why don't you get a break once in a while? Could you maybe not be so different from me and just not want to see it?
"Most of the people who've worked in the Downtown Eastside have noticed it: a sense of authenticity, a loss of the usual social games, the surrender of pretense-the reality of people who cannot declare themselves anything other than what they are." wrote Dr. Mate. I think that is exactly why I have always been drawn to more 'unsavory elements' despite a more prestigious upbringing. In my world of priviledged upbringing, the violent nature of individuals was denied, excused, hidden behind masks. My father was buried a hero and is still honored as a saint at family functions. My mother rubs elbows with the elite constantly. The dishonesty and denial of my suffering drove me crazy. At least in the 'lower' elements violence is more apparent, more obvious and easily identifiable. It is less likely to be denied and fighting against it is accepted, even expected though ridiculed. Even the ridicule is open and thus more honest, unlike the sarcasm, quietly spoken 'digs', veiled insults and self-righteous accusations/blame perpetrated amongst the 'elite'. As much a relief to those like me as those who serve there I see: "I can come here and actually be who I am........it helps me maintain honesty in what I do." Dr. Mate quotes Kim Markel.
"I don't know the person two houses down from me.... Not down here. Here people know eachother, and that has it's pros and cons. It means people rail at eachother and rage at eachother, and it also means that people will share their last five pennies with eachother", Dr. mate quotes Kim Markel again."People here are very raw, so what comes out is the violence and ugliness that often gets highlighted in media. But that rawness also brings out raw feelings of joy and tears of joy-" Kim is quoted further. In my opinion, because they live such emotionally honest lives they are more capable of empathy than those who deny their anger, pains, hurts and suffering. Which is why such parts of society were always more comfortable to me. I am a cryer. If I am angry, I hate conflict, violence, confrontation so much that I just break down crying. Anger is often born of fear, fear of inadequacy, etc. i fear hurting people. So, I release fear and anger by crying rather than striking out at anybody. i cry when my heart is broken. I cry when I am dissapointed. I cry when I am overwhelmingly happy. due to empathy, I always cry when other people are crying. Others find this very disturbing. "Professionals" consider it instability, messy, and innapropriate, unattractive, unhelpful, unproductive. I find it healing and so do those who are honest with themselves. I want the same compassion given me. I want to work and live in such a 'warm' world. I cannot function properly as me, whole and complete in a cold one where emotion is unnacceptable. I know how to step back outside of myself, how to be ojective but that does not mean I have to be completely void of compassion to do it. I can share tears of pain while acknowledging the person crying brought it upon themselves. Just because we bring it upon ourselves does not mean we do not feel the suffering it brings. I would consider myself cursed without a conscience if I didn't.
The next couple paragraphs are powerful. They speak of the laughter, witty senses of humor, reminding me of my own experiences of joyful expression and optomism. As a child I would awake all excited and talkative. I was immediately shushed and told "Don't you know no one wants to hear about it?!". Even as an adult my excitement at things I was discovering would bring me up to the edge of my seat sharing enthusiastically. Then I would also be shushed in gatherings, frowned upon for acting so undignified, innapropriately, immaturely. I dance in supermarket isles. I dance and sing on the roadside walking. Why shouldn't I? Because I'm not crazy? Because I'm not a child? Because for someone else, witnessing it is embarrassing? How much more could we accomplish if we released the energy of our enthusiastic inner child? Why should we not be proud to have beeen given to overcome the fears that would otherwise have us stifled? Why should we have to resort to drugs and drinking to set ourselves free enough to do such things? Is it in our best interests to confine such realities to the realms of 'dysfunction'?, the topic
Then the final paragraphs speak of how the doctor's clients are "Like children, they are unimpressed with titles, achievements, worldly credentials. Their concerns are too immediate, too urgent." "They gauge with unerring eye whether I am grounded enough on any day to co-exist with them...." "an atmosphere that insists on authenticity. Whether we know it or not, most of us crave authenticity....the fresh air of truth, even if it's the stripped, frayed truth of desperation. It holds up a mirror..."
And for those of us who claim to be believers: emotional honesty is being honest with ourselves. Only when we can be honest with ourselves can we be honest with anyone else. only when we can be honest with ourselves and others can we be honest with God. Only with emotional honesty do we cease robbing Him.
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In the end, this book has served to validate all that God had been teaching me, giving it scientific terms and definition, a witness it's self to any who read it. We are powerless without divine intervention. The insights continue, the compassion, personal experiences, research.....all truly amazing. Dr. Mate includes insights as to why none of it is accepted by the world but plenty of evidence why it should be. Definitely a worthwhile read and compliment to my journey.
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