more discovery about abusive relationships

        As  I spoke on the phone this evening to an exhusband who I had not spoken to in 10 years, I was amazed I once found his mannerisms attractive. "Shush now breath" as if I was excited somehow, upset or angry....the make a feel small, question your own responses and emotions technique...under the guise of emotionally superiority. The lies and deceitful boasting of actions probably never taken....making himself out to be a hero and justified in things. "Don't even go there", he says. No one can tell me where or where not it is appropriate for me to go when it comes to my children, but if he were to ask for me to respect an area, I would without hesitation. then he tells me his cell phone number so I won't call the house phone and his wife won't know we had spoken. Part of his decietful marriage practices? I don't think so, buddy. Enabling his manipulations of his wife is what I would be doing. Best just to not call him again if I don't have to.
     But each day I see more and more how controlling and abusive behaviors are deeply woven into the very fibers and foundations of our society and interactions, so subtle. The controling individual or abuser never rests, lets you take your ease. They are on their toes constantly and demand you be so they get their attention to fight their own insecurities.
      I saw how his absense in my daughter's life deprived her of the ability to know wrong from right. sure, I corrected her and held her to a higher standard, but no one else did. No one was there to back me up, reinforce what I was saying, rewarding good actions. Instead when I would tell her to apologize or right a wrong, others responded with "it doesn't matter", "it's OK", "there's no need"....all those "polite" dismissals that undermine righteous parenting.
      I saw how children don't believe we love them just because we do such-and-such for them, it doesn't mean they know we love them. It is not safe to make that assumption. They are only hopeful that we do. Actions are viewed as obligations instead of sincere acts of affections, especially if we recount them in a way that feels more like boasting. They feel like a burden they need to be lifting.
   So, in summation, we cannot assume our children or anyone knows we love them nor can we assume they know right from wrong, even if we believe we taught them.