Let's teach people how to be their own advocates!
Why not be on the forefront?
In interacting with various advocates for domestic violence in Maine, I have noticed there is a dinstinct fear of "calling a horse a horse and a cow a cow". Nobody wants to sound too intense, to not sound politicaly correct enough. I know this: coddle the bullies and you only empower them. They become bigger buillies. Plain speech making a direct and vivid point is mature, responsible and effective. Only the truth will set you free and you don't dilute the light of it under a basket in whispers and gentle speech. That would be dishonest and misleading. They don't go after man-eating lions with feathers. We can teach people how to be assertive without being overbearing, aggressive and thus abusive as we address this man-eater consuming our communities.
When a person escapes a domestic violence situation it is usualy only because they are desperate. All their coping mechanisms are overloaded and resources are gone. Whomever is abusing them has used up all the resources: money, foodstamps, belongings. They need help with everything. In the case of this writer, she didn't have ID, birth certificates, social security proofs, etc. In one of Maine's shelters they provided ample food and the building was comfortable, however she had to fend for herself concerning diapers, transportation and everything else. She had no money. She ended up returning to her abuser simply so her daughter could have diapers. The organization running the shelter did host group counseling, etc, however it was in a different building and for this mother who had no vehicle, they were out of her reach because the organization didn't provide rides. She felt abandoned by staff being left in that building with strange women equally traumatized, limited in resources and therefore keeping more to themselves.
In shelters in other states, the women are given gift cards to Walmart and rides there to get what they need. They throw a baby showers for pregnant women. They make sure everyone has holiday gifts, etc. Rides were provided for group therapy, etc. Many shelters have advocates in shelter 24/7, group therapy, individual counseling, financial advice classes, parenting classes, etc. in shelter each day and required attendence, and are programs with designated lengths of stay. Some go so far as require no outside contact for up to a month as the women are nurtured and helped to retrain their unhealthy ways of thinkingwhich make them prone to victimization. This takes alot of resources, resources not available in most Maine communities and that is why it is so important the people themselves are informed and thus equiped to make their own homes such safe houses fo rthemselves and their families.
This writer had called for assistence with a court order and was so put off by the condescenidng tone and abusive mannerisms of the court advocate here in Maine, she simply went through it without their help. She knew more about the process than the advocate. One is not really fit to advocate effectively for victims of domestic violence if they themselves can't recognize and haven't corrected their own abusive tendencies. No one knows what is truly involved in the court process unless they have had to do it for themselves by themselves. We need to teach people about the laws that can protect them and orders available so they are not intimidated by the legal system.
I think the general public is confused about abuse simply because of over-sensative political correctness that discourages honest, open, direct speech and "zero tolerence" policies applied to justify punishing appropriately applied force and frankness. This confusion leaves the door open to corruption as authority figures and people of influence can manipulate policies and laws to suit their wishes. This is where honest, direct speech would be helpful. With the clarity of it, there can be no arguement about what is what.
Violent crime, bullying, homelessness, crime, domestic violence, etc are all on the rise. This is evidence of a traumatized society becoming even more and more traumatized, passing it to generation after generation, only increasing in it's numbers as it spreads like a disease. Aggression and hostility are the norm. Abusers raise abusers and women who have been abused are more likely to abuse other women. People who have been abused are more likely to do drugs, steal and commit violent crime. The number one cause of death of pregnant women in the United States is the man who got her pregnant. Dysfunction in relationships is rampant. The confusion about what constitutes abuse and what is appropriate discipline leaves parents in fear of child protective services, making them ineffective parents of frustrated children not getting the security of the guidence they need and thus becoming abusive towards their parents.
I remember when my youngest daughter was watching a movie with her dad after I told her dad it was not a good idea to watch it with her in the room. A man fell out of an airplane when someone suddenly pulled a hidden lever. My daughter screamed and jumped. She had just been terrorized. Scientific research shows she had just received a shock to her brain that stunted it's developement. Instead of respecting it the next time I firmly asserted he not watch the movie when she was in the room, his reply was: she needs to get used to it. You can't shelter her and let her be a coward. These are the facts: when a person is conditioned to accept violence in their environment, that means a part of their brain has shut down it's developement in self-defense. Their fear receptors have shut off. The result is mental retardation/dysfunctional thinking. The result is lack of awareness of threats and dangers to their well-being. Experiencing fear does not make one a coward. It makes them cognizent. Our children are conditioned by violence in all forms of entertainment, interpersonal interactions, advertising, every aspect of our way of life if not "sheltered" from it. And the brain never stops developing, so even once fully matured, it can be set back in it's state with one single incident. Even we adults should be guarding our minds, "sheltering" ourselves. It is amazing how quickly a once traumatized brain fully healed can return to it's traumatized state simply by watching television and listening to the average conversations around them.
As you can see, this is a physical effect. Like a muscle needing exercise, it takes time and practice to re-route the neuropathways of the brain that determine how we think and respond to our environments. That is why classes in school with homework would be helpful in the schools.
Much of the problem with those who have experienced trauma and domestic violence in any of it's forms of any degree is that they are far more likely to perceive domestic violence as normal. They may be aware that they are uncomfortable with something but they can't explain it, do not have the words to express it and are afraid to object to it. They need to know how to express their discomfort. They are also more likely not to have healthy boundaries or have difficulty asserting themselves in having them respected. Even if invited to, a person is absolutely wrong in crossing healthy boundaries. So, here are some helpful, clearly stated definitions many might find difficult to accept:
Play wrestling, rough-housing is practiced intimidation and violence. It is thus intimidation and violence.
Abusive speech is not OK if it is "just kidding". Abusive speech is abusive speech.
A "Friendly pat on the butt" is an uninvited touching of "private parts". Uninvited touching of private areas is sexual assault.
ANY attempt to influence another person's decisions is manipulation. It is an attempt to control another person/restrain them or violate them.
To minimize another person's concerns, to dismiss them as simply ebing "emotional" is to be condenscending and an abuse of their emotions and intelligence. Emotions are vital to our survival.
No means no. "But" is an arguement and an attempt to force that no to become a yes. Coercive persuation and undue influence are terms for domestic violence in this form. Psycological force, by attempting to use reason to change a person's mind is violence to one's psychology thus psychological abuse.
Victims of domestic violence are more likely to minimize anything done to them in an effort to distance themselves from it, thus accusations of being overly dramatic about one's emotional response to something are not likely to be accurate and are only emotionally abusive. Victims of domestic violence will not only minimize, but pretend to forget, deny, actually forget, practice avoidence of a topic, and any other number of head games on themselves and thus other people just to distance themselves from the pain of recollection. Charecterization of themselves is one coping mechanism I have witnessed in children: they start talking like cartoon charectors, like utilizing themselves as puppets to express themselves because they are afraid to express their true selves. They take on an "alternate personality". This is not to be confused to children in play pretending to be a super hero or something.
Intentionally startling people is an abusive technique some employ as "play". It is not like the gentle "peek-a-boo" of parents with young children, but the intentional frightening of others with "Boo!". They are controlling your emotional state and thus state of mind. Other controlling behaviors employed as just play or entertainment are comedians who get laughs by ridiculing others and magicians making themselves "in the know", having "higher knowledge" using deceipt/trick of the hand to control their audience's state of mind and self-image. One may say that is being over-sensative or taking it too far, however as a sort of spiritual advisor to some such entertainers, they will claim a sort of spiritual high in having attention focused on them and taking the people's emotions on a ride. They are referred to as spiritual and emotional vampires.
Pie in the face play/slapstick comedy is definately unhealthy. Fortunately the entertainment of the past generation is no longer employed, but unfortunately it has been replaced with verbal pie in the face/slapstick comedy in sitcoms.
And while this one is going to meet with alot of resistence due to it's prevelence and longevity in mankind's history, it's involvement considered healthy activity, I will share with you one fact: Super Bowl season is the busiest season for domestic violence shelters, programs and hotlines. Physical competition is establishment of physical superiority is physical violence. Period. Degrading cheers to get crowds wound up against opposing team members is verbal abuse girls are encouraged to engage in and you wonder why bullying is so common? Parents encourage it! If someone thinks a drug addict high on drugs and beating on children is worthy of prison, how about crowds of parents doped up on adrenaline encouraging adrenaline doped up children to beat their competition? Draws up images of dog fights, cock-fighting and every other intentionally competition of otherwise helpless and defenseless living souls. If it's not good enough for your dog, why is it so good for your child? There is plenty of physical activity a child can engage in that doesn't require competiveness. Retrain your athletic couches to be domestic violence counselors and you will absolutely have safer schools and communities. Now THAT would be a true zero tolerance policy.
I will add more as it comes to me.....
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